Counselling News

Facing and Dealing With Difficult Situations

websitebuilder@thryv.com — Thu, 02 Mar 2023 08:03:11 GMT

When faced with difficult situations , it can be hard to know how to deal with them.

We may feel overwhelmed and unsure of what steps to take. However, facing and dealing with situations is an essential life skill that can help us grow and learn. In this blog post, we will explore various strategies for how to face and deal with situations so that we can become more resilient and empowered.

Don't Run Away from Your Problems

It can be tempting to run away from a difficult situation, but it's not always the best solution. Facing problems head-on is the best way to find a solution and move on. It can be intimidating and overwhelming to confront a problem, but ignoring it will only make it worse in the long run. It's important to take time to analyse the situation, think through potential solutions, and determine what action needs to be taken.

If you can't come up with a solution on your own, don't be afraid to reach out for help from family, friends, or professionals. By taking action and facing the problem, you can gain confidence in yourself and be more prepared for similar situations in the future.

Confront Your Fears

Facing your fears can be one of the most difficult things to do in life. We often put off confronting them because it is an emotionally and mentally draining task. However, by not facing your fears you are only making them worse and allowing them to have more control over you.

The first step to confronting your fears is to identify what they are. You need to figure out why you are scared or anxious and what it is that you fear. Once you have identified your fear, you need to confront it head on. Take a deep breath and face whatever it is that scares you. This can be done through visualisation techniques, such as imagining yourself confidently overcoming a particular obstacle.

When it comes to facing your fears, it is also important to remember that no matter what happens, you will survive and come out stronger on the other side. It’s okay to be scared, but that doesn’t mean you have to give in to your fear. You can still push through and work towards your goals despite any fear or anxiety you may be feeling.

Finally, remember that it is important to take baby steps when facing your fears. Don't expect to conquer them all at once. Start with small tasks and gradually move up to bigger ones until you feel confident enough to take on more difficult challenges.

Don't Let Your Emotions Control You

When facing difficult situations, it's easy to become overwhelmed by our emotions. This is especially true when the stakes are high and the situation is complex. It's important to take a step back and try to remain level-headed, instead of letting your emotions cloud your judgement.

Take the time to assess the situation objectively. Identify the facts and try to separate them from any feelings of fear, anger, or confusion that you may have. Doing so will help you to make more rational decisions and be better prepared to face the situation.

If you are feeling overwhelmed by your emotions, try to find ways to ground yourself in the present moment. Take deep breaths, focus on your surroundings, and practise mindful meditation if possible. Practising mindfulness will allow you to observe your thoughts and feelings without getting carried away by them. This can help you to gain some emotional distance, so that you can make more thoughtful decisions.

Finally, if you are struggling to cope with your emotions, don't hesitate to reach out for help. Talking with a trusted friend or professional can provide much-needed perspective and support during difficult times.

Practice Mindfulness

One of the most effective ways to manage and face difficult situations is to practise mindfulness. Mindfulness means being aware of the present moment and accepting it without judgement or attachment. It is about being open and receptive to whatever you are feeling in that moment, without reacting to it or trying to change it.

When practising mindfulness, you can use meditation, breathing exercises, or simply focus on the sensations in your body to become aware of the present moment. This will help to bring calmness and clarity into your thoughts. When you practise mindfulness regularly, it becomes easier to face and deal with difficult situations, as you are able to take a step back and observe your thoughts and emotions objectively.

Mindfulness also allows us to develop a deeper understanding of ourselves and our own emotions. This makes it easier to accept difficult feelings and learn how to process them in a healthy way. With regular practice, we can become more compassionate and understanding of our own experiences , which can be beneficial in a variety of situations.

Seek Help When You Need It

No one is expected to go through difficult situations alone. When you are struggling with a situation, it is important to reach out for help. Asking for help can be difficult, especially if you feel that you should be able to handle it on your own. However, asking for help from family members, friends, mental health professionals, or even anonymous online forums can make a huge difference.

When seeking help, the first step is to talk about the situation and explain how it’s impacting you. It can also be helpful to discuss any solutions that you have already considered or tried, as this can give your helper a starting point. Depending on the situation, they may be able to offer advice or come up with new solutions that you hadn’t thought of. If it is an emotional issue, talking through your feelings with a therapist or counsellor can be a great way to gain clarity and perspective.

Finally, once you have received help, it is important to make use of the solutions given. Although it may be difficult to take action, it is essential for overcoming whatever challenge you’re facing.

When dealing with difficult situations, remember that you don’t have to do it alone. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help and support from those around you, and don’t be discouraged if the first solution doesn’t work out. With patience and perseverance, you can make it through anything.

Relationship Counselling: Dealing with Conflicts in a Relationship

websitebuilder@thryv.com — Sat, 04 Feb 2023 04:25:06 GMT

Conflict in a relationship is inevit able.

Getting in fights with your significant other isn’t fun, but if you’re in a relationship it’s bound to happen at some point. If this happens, don’t panic! Here are some tips on how to deal with conflicts in your relationship to prevent from destroying the positive feelings you have towards your partner. The first step towards resolving conflict between partners is to understand what the conflict involves and whether it can be easily resolved or not.

What Is Conflict In a Relationship?

You will experience conflicts at some point, and you'll need to know how to deal with them. Knowing what a conflict is can help you figure out the best way to handle it and make sure it doesn't get worse. A conflict is an issue that needs to be solved and resolved. But sometimes it can get so bad that one person wants to end the relationship altogether. It's important not to ignore these feelings and try instead to work through things together. You should give a chance to resolve the Conflicts in a relationship before making any decisions about relationship status.

How To Deal With The Conflicts In a Relationship

Conflicts in a relationship happen from time to time and it's important to know how to deal with them. Here are some tips for dealing with conflicts in a relationship that might help you the next time you're faced with one.

Talk It Out

Relationships are bound to have conflict. The key to overcoming conflict is communication . Talk about everything for conflict resolution and try to see things from the other person's point of view. You don't always have to be right, but it's important to understand where your partner is coming from so that you can come up with a compromise together. If you're too angry or stressed out, take time for yourself before talking it out again. These are some tips to resolve conflicts in a relationship while talking to your partner:

1) Listen actively by giving the speaker eye contact and repeat what they say to show you were listening.

2) Use 'I' statements to express how you feel rather than attacking them back; I felt icky when I found out you left work early is better than You should have told me!

3) Don't use words like 'always', 'never' or 'always'

4) Don't blame, accuse or criticise.

5) Avoid yelling as much as possible; instead, speak at a lower volume while maintaining eye contact.

6) Try to understand why someone feels that way even if they're wrong (it could just be because of different opinions).

7) If your feelings are hurt, talk about how that makes you feel without saying anything offensive (you'll only get madder)

Define The Conflict

Conflict is something you should always prepare for in a relationship . The question is not whether you will have conflict but how you'll deal with it when it arises. You may be able to resolve the problem quickly and easily or the conflict may linger and grow. Here are some steps to take in order to minimise the impact of conflicts on your relationship.

1) Define what the problem is

2) Identify the causes, including possible solutions

3) Consider which resolution might work best for both people involved

4) Determine which option is easiest to implement and monitor

5) Develop an agreement about how to communicate effectively about any future issues

6) Choose a time frame for implementing any resolutions

7) Work together collaboratively until the issue is resolved.

Set Some Ground Rules

It's important to have rules in place to deal with conflicts in your relationship. These ground rules should be agreed on by both parties and make sure you're both happy with them. Here are some examples of ground rules for different types of conflict:

1) If one person is making more money than the other, they might pay more towards rent or expenses.

2) The decision about what constitutes cheating should be made before entering into the agreement.

Seek Professional Help Resolving Conflicts

If the conflicts that you and your partner are experiencing are negatively affecting your relationship, it is important to seek professional help. Counselling can be a way for you to explore and resolve issues with each other. It is also an opportunity for you to talk about the things that you may not feel comfortable talking about in front of your partner.

There is no one size fits all solution for what will work best for your relationship. A counsellor will address the root of the problem, rather than just trying to cover up the symptoms of a conflict. Contact us today to organise a session.

Relationship Counselling in Merewether – What to Expect

Tue, 13 Dec 2022 04:17:57 GMT

If you and your partner are experien cing any relationship problems in Merewether, it can be tempting to try to fix them on your own.

You might even believe that since you love each other, you’ll be able to work through everything together with no outside help. While it can be beneficial to approach your problems together as a couple, there are many situations that require the attention of someone who has received special training in how to work with couples in distress – relationship counselling in Merewether . If you want to learn more about this type of counselling and how it can benefit your relationship, keep reading.

Relationship Counselling

There are many reasons why people go for Relationship Counselling in Merewether . It can be a traumatic experience, which may involve the breakdown of a marriage or partnership. Alternatively, it could just be that one partner is keen on discussing their concerns and wants the advice of an impartial third party. When looking at relationship counselling services in Merewether there are various options available. From face-to-face counselling sessions to telephone therapy; there is something for everyone.

The First Session

Everyone wants to get the best out of each relationship counselling session. At your first session , you will likely discuss the following: your strengths and challenges; how your relationship is impacting you and the people around you; what agreements you both want to make about how to work on this. The more information you share with your counsellor, the better equipped they can be to help support and advise you. The final thing you should expect from your first session is a plan for moving forward with future sessions including agreement on the goals for therapy.

What Happens in Subsequent Sessions

During the subsequent sessions , you will be discussing specific issues in your relationship. Whether it is financial, parenting, or other family related topics that are causing tension, couples will work with their counsellor to come up with solutions. The therapist will also help you identify any patterns and behaviours that might not be working for either of you in your relationship and provide advice on how to change them.

The Benefits of Relationship Counselling

Counselling can be of great benefit when you are trying to understand a difficult situation and how it is affecting you. It can also help if you are looking for ways to manage your emotions or thoughts, or other aspects of your relationships. Counselling can be of particular benefit when one partner is feeling trapped and feels they have no way out. A counsellor can offer tools and strategies to support the person who is struggling with making changes that may seem impossible. The benefits of relationship counselling include:

- Improved communication skills - Greater understanding - Improved conflict resolution skills - Reduced anxiety, stress and depression

- Increased happiness and satisfaction within the relationship

How to Choose a Relationship Counsellor in Merewether

Choosing a Relationship Counsellor in Merewether can be a difficult task, there are many different types of therapists that offer different services. But, when you're looking for someone to help you make sense of your relationship and how to fix it, these are the questions you should ask.

What is their experience?

How do they work with couples?

How do they work with individuals? Are they compassionate and understanding?

How to Make Relationship Counselling Effective

It is helpful to discuss your expectations of the counselling process with your counsellor before you meet. How long will the sessions last? What topics can be discussed? How many sessions are there usually? Will there be homework or other tasks between sessions? These are just a few things you'll want to cover when you first meet. The relationship counselling process is most effective when both parties are actively participating in the conversations, so come prepared and ready to speak about your concerns.

What to do if Your Partner Refuses Relationship Counselling

If your partner refuses Relationship Counselling , there are some steps you can take. When you talk with them about it, try to be supportive and understanding of the reasons they might have for refusing counselling. It's important that they know you care about their feelings and don't want them to feel pressured into anything. You can also consider talking to an expert who may not have met your partner before so they can offer a fresh perspective on the situation.

Relationship Counselling in Charlestown

Tue, 29 Nov 2022 07:21:09 GMT

Making the Most of Your Sessions

If you and your partner are struggling with getting along lately, Cooks Hill Counselling offers Relationship Counselling in Charlestown and can help you work together to rekindle your romance and rediscover the spark that brought you together in the first place. Counselling sessions can be short or long-term, depending on what works best for you and your partner, so don’t hesitate to contact us about scheduling an initial consultation at our Charlestown practice. We look forward to helping you get back on the right track!

What is relationship counselling in Charlestown?

Relationship counselling is a therapeutic form of counselling that deals with your relationship with another person. It could be a partner, family member, friend or co-worker. Relationship counselling focuses on your interpersonal relationship and its impact on you as an individual. The goal is to help you understand how your relationship affects you and to teach you ways to improve it.

What if we can't agree on anything?

If you're in a relationship and you can't agree on anything, it's time to consult with a professional. If you both want to work on your issues and communicate better, relationship counselling could be the answer.

What to expect in your first session?

Your first session in relationship counselling can be a bit daunting, especially if you're not sure what to expect. To help you get an idea, here are five things to keep in mind:

- The counsellor will want to know as much about your relationship as possible. They'll ask you a lot of questions and they might try to draw out some conversation from both parties.

- You won't be judged or criticised for anything that you say in your sessions .

How many sessions will you need?

It's difficult to say how many sessions you will need for relationship counselling. Some couples can work through their conflicts in as few as six sessions while others may need a year or more. It's best to discuss your individual needs with your counsellor so that you can figure out what is right for you and your partner.

How much does it cost in Charlestown?

The cost for a relationship counsellor in Charlestown will vary depending on their qualifications, location and experience. If you're not sure how much your sessions should cost, contact a counsellor directly to discuss your needs and ask questions about their fees.

Is relationship counselling right for us?

It is hard to know if relationship counselling is right for you. Here are some signs that it might be:

- You're feeling unhappy and unfulfilled with your partner.

- You don't feel like you're getting what you want out of the relationship.

- You're no longer having fun together.

- The relationship has turned into a power struggle instead of a partnership.

What if we still decide to break up?

If you and your partner decide to break up after relationship counselling, it's important that you both agree on what is going to happen with the counselling. You might want to continue it because there are still things you want to work through or feel like there is still more left unsaid. When one person wants to end it and the other doesn't, it can be a difficult situation, so make sure you come up with an agreement together that works for both parties.

Where can I find a good relationship counsellor in Charlestown?

A good relationship counsellor in Charlestown will want to make sure you are both heard, and that your needs are being met. Cooks Hill Counselling has many clients from the Charlestown area and we are conveniently located in Lambton. Contact us today to arrange a session.

10 Things to Consider Before Moving in With a Partner

Mon, 26 Sep 2022 09:16:58 GMT

How serious are you about your relationship? If you’re considering moving in with your significant other, here are 10 things to consider before doing so.

This isn’t meant to be an argument against moving in with your partner; we all know that some of the best relationships in the world were started while living together. But before you commit to this major change, make sure it’s right for you and your partner by asking yourself these questions.

1) Communication

Communication is the bedrock of any relationship, so it's important that you and your partner are able to openly discuss what each of you want and need before you move in together. For instance, who'll take care of what chores? Who will get the utilities set up? How will you divide household expenses? What will happen if one of you has a houseguest or brings their children over?

What about day-to-day household management – like who does the laundry and the dishes or keeps an eye on the houseplants? Does anyone have issues with living with animals (or are there existing pets)? Each of these questions can be resolved with time and patience, but they need to be discussed before you move in together.

2) Do you both want the same things?

Does one partner want children and the other does not? Is one partner looking for a less expensive lifestyle than the other? Do you want to live in close proximity with friends or family, or do you want your own space? There are numerous things that need to be considered before you move in with your significant other.

3) Routine & Lifestyle

This may seem like a no-brainer, but taking the time to assess your routine and lifestyle together will help you figure out if the extra day-to-day logistics are something you're ready for. It may not seem like much now, but having two sets of plates or how you divide up your weekly grocery shopping trip can take some getting used to, and that might change depending on which one of you is busy with work/school. Similarly, trying to stay on top of cleaning and cooking can be tricky when there's more than one person living in the house.

4) How do you make decisions together?

One of the best things about living with your partner is that you can make decisions together on the big things for relationship harmony. The decision making process can start from the get-go, when you're considering how to divide up living space and who will do what chores. No matter how it's done, as long as both people are getting their needs met by the plan, everyone is happy.

5) Safety

It's important to feel safe and secure before making the leap. Think about your partner's habits, how they might respond in a bad situation. How would you react if you were awakened by an intruder? What if someone had a medical emergency? Is it close enough for either of you to come home from work or school at any time during the day? Does your partner have some type of routine that would interrupt sleep?

Does your partner smoke? If so, does he or she plan on giving it up for you? What about alcohol, or other drugs?

6) Are they your forever partner?

Are they your forever partner? If so, you are not just moving into someone's house--you're moving into someone's life.

1) What is their idea of personal space?

2) How much time can I spend away from my home base and still be OK with it?

3) Am I free to make changes in the living space?

4) How often does he/she want to go out together?

7) What are you giving up?

Before you move in with a partner, make sure you're not giving up anything you love. Living with a partner means compromises on lifestyle. If you love to run marathons but your partner is really into competitive slow-pitch softball, this might not be the right time to move in together. Choose your battles wisely before moving in together and trying to enforce a decision if both parties are happy with it. Plus, move in agreements are tricky and most likely will not be honored.

8) Love Vs. Lust

Love is a story of endless trust, never-ending companionship, and sheer determination. It's also difficult to quantify. Lust is fickle - one minute you want it, the next minute you don't. That's why many people choose to only make love with those they're in committed relationships with. The benefits of living together before tying the knot are weighed against the implications of living together for lust versus living together for love.

9) Commitment Level

You're not just making a commitment to your partner, but to their lifestyle as well. Make sure that you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to rent/mortgage, who is responsible for utility bills and what time each of you will get up in the morning. You don't want to start out living together with assumptions about your living situation only to find out down the line that things aren't going well.

10) Flexibility

While you may think it sounds romantic to move in with your significant other, be sure that you and your partner have discussed all the specifics, so there's no surprises. In fact, once you are on the same page about some of these important matters, this will allow for peace of mind and stress-free living together.

The Effects of Stress on Relationships and How to Be Resilient

Mon, 26 Sep 2022 09:16:26 GMT

Stress can really take its toll on a relationship and can cause problems where there were none before. Encountering stressful life events as a couple can take its toll.

Mindfulness

Practising mindfulness means recognising your feelings, thoughts, or situations as they happen and not reacting or judging them. It is about being aware of what's happening in the present moment. By practising mindfulness, you can build up your self-confidence by acknowledging your stressors instead of constantly focusing on them. Find a time that works for you and do a few breathing exercises where you take deep breaths through your nose and exhale slowly out of your mouth. For example, I'll do this while sitting down with my feet flat on the floor while staring at a spot near my feet without moving any other part of my body except for my hands if I need to type something.

CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)

CBT is the best way for individuals and couples to deal with relationship stress. It provides therapeutic strategies that can be tailored for both individuals and couples. CBT teaches you how to become more resilient in the face of adversity by making goals that are measurable, attainable, specific, realistic, and time-based. These are called SMART Goals. For example, if a goal is to have a healthy relationship, what does this mean? What does it look like? Is it just about being able to go on dates or does it include some other criteria?

Limiting time online

People often turn to the internet for leisurely activities, but overusing it can put stress on relationships. Consider turning off social media for a few hours a day, putting away your phone when you are with your partner, or getting offline before bed. Doing so will help you focus on the people in your life and reduce potential strain. It's also important to show your loved ones that they are not alone. For example, couples may be able to talk about their worries together and come up with solutions together. Communication is key!

Talking it out

One way in which stress affects relationships is through the added difficulty that it creates for talking things out. You know you need to talk, but if your partner is getting short with you when you try, it's hard not to get defensive. This can create a cycle where both partners are refusing to back down from their individual point of view, leading each person in the relationship feeling backed into a corner. To avoid this trap, one should make sure they're clear about what they want to accomplish by initiating these conversations- are they looking for an apology? A change in behaviour? Understanding of how the problem feels like from their partner's perspective?

Keeping Your Sense of Humour

It can be difficult for both people in a relationship to handle their stress differently. Sometimes one person handles it better than the other. If you're feeling frustrated by your significant other, try seeing things from their perspective and think about what may be going on for them before you lash out with anger or sarcasm.

Seeking Professional Help

You may be feeling like your relationship is over. There are a number of signs that may be pointing to the end, such as fighting all the time, making excuses for what is happening in the relationship or not being happy with your partner. If you feel like you need help but don't know where to turn, there are many resources out there for you. Cooks Hill Counselling offer a range of services for relationship problems. Our non judgemental approach is popular with couples in the Newcastle area.

Open Relationships

Sun, 21 Aug 2022 06:37:49 GMT

When you decide to have an open rela tionship, it’s important to realise that your safety net isn’t limited to your primary partner.

You should have friends you can count on, a therapist or coach, and plenty of other people in your life who are there for you when you need someone to talk to about what’s going on in your relationship . Open relationships require open communic ation and constant reassessment, but they can also bring you closer to the people around you if done right.

What is an open relationship?

An open relationship is a type of relationship in which the participants are free to have other sexual or romantic relationships , or both, outside of the primary relationship. The term open can refer to the relationship itself, as well as to the communication between the members of the couple. It does not mean that each person has sex with whomever they want without discussing it with their partner.

When you choose to be in an open relationship...

When you choose to be in an open relationship, you're choosing to date or sleep with other people outside of your primary relationship. This can come with a lot of freedom and excitement, but it's important to make sure that everyone involved is on the same page and that everyone's boundaries are respected. There are a few things to keep in mind when deciding whether or not an open relationship is right for you

3 Ways to Set Up Boundaries

1. Define what is and isn’t acceptable for each person in the relationship .

2. Talk about any potential risks involved with straying outside of the relationship.

3. Set up a system of communication so that both parties feel comfortable talking about their needs and wants.

Communication will be key to understanding what boundaries need to be set. For example, if one partne r decides they want to have sex with someone else, but the other doesn't want their partner to have sex with anyone else, they should communicate this before beginning anything new. There are plenty of couples who live happily in open relationships while maintaining good boundaries; it's all about setting those limits early on and keeping them intact over time.

Keeping your safety net intact

Whether you're in a monogamous or open relationship, it's important to keep your safety net intact. This means communicating with your partner(s) about your boundaries, needs, and wants. It also means being honest with yourself about what you're looking for in a relationship. If you're not sure about something, ask! Communicating openly and honestly is the best way to maintain a healthy relationship.

Open Relationships are Not for Everyone

If you are the type of person who gets jealous easily, an open relationship is probably not for you. The same goes if you have a hard time communicating or setting boundaries. However, if you're comfortable with yourself and your partner, and good at communicating, an open relationship could work for you. Just be sure to set some ground rules so that everyone knows what to expect. It's important to communicate openly with your partner about how much outside contact is okay, as well as how much inside contact (e.g., sex) is okay. It's also wise to establish limits on physical contact outside of the relationship (e.g., kissing).

Need a Non Judgemental Ear? Cooks Hill Counselling is here to listen

At Cooks Hill Counselling, we understand that open relationships can be tough to navigate. We're here to provide a non-judgemental ear and help you work through whatever challenges you may be facing. Whether you're struggling with communication or simply need someone to talk to, we can help. Call us today to schedule a counselling session.

What's it like Dating a Narcissist?

Wed, 06 Jul 2022 07:44:47 GMT

A narcissist can be difficult to dat e, but not because they aren’t fun and interesting people.

In fact, the narcissist you are in love with may have many wonderful qualities that make you feel like you hit the dating jackpot! It’s not until you begin to recognise some relationship red flags that you understand how toxic things can be.

Love Isn’t Supposed to Hurt

If you’re experiencing emotional abuse from someone you thought was your soulmate—and are confused about what’s happening to you—you’re not alone. When it comes to dating, we often hear about how love is blind. But no one tells us what happens when love becomes abusive. The truth is that being in an emotionally abusive relationship can be incredibly confusing and isolating.

It can also be difficult to recognise that you’re being abused or even admit that something isn’t right in your relationship.

There are red flags

If someone you’re dating always seems to n eed validation and admiration from others. They might be aggressive or manipulative in order to get what they want. They could also have huge mood swings that come out of nowhere. While all these things are classic signs of narcissism, it’s important to keep in mind that not every self-centered person is actually a narcissist.

The easiest way to tell? See if you can engage them emotionally.

The hallmark of [narcissism] is having difficulty with empathy and closeness with others.

Do they devalue you?

It’s crucial to identify if your partner is possibly using or manipulating you. A narcissist knows what it takes to make someone feel good about themselves, making them ideal partners for dating. But narcissistic individuals are unable to form intimate bonds with others because they lack empathy and have an unstable sense of self. This inability to connect often manifests in toxic relationships where their romantic partner isn’t seen as an equal or even really seen at all.

When there is no true reciprocity between partners in terms of trust, respect and love – that relationship can fail wi thout intervention. If you suspect your significant other might be narcissistic, research how codependency works and remember: You deserve better than manipulation or abuse! It’s never too late to start fresh. Your happiness depends on it!

Are they always right?

Narcissists often feel that they are always right and everyone else is wrong. If you tell them they are wrong about something, no matter how subtle, their ego can get very bruised. It can create massive conflict in your relationship if you disagree with your partner because everything turns into an argument. You need to be aware of how important they are to themselves and how much they can som etimes value their feelings over yours.

Why Blame Shifting is Dangerous

Blame shifting is one of those behaviours that you can’t quite figure out if it’s narcissism or manipulation. It involves an attempt to avoid responsibility for an action, usually by placing blame elsewhere. This can be subtle and hard to recognise – especially when it comes from someone you love. An angry partner may throw blame at their partner (You brought me to tears!) rather than admit they lost control of their own emotions.

A friend might say It wasn’t my fault! The car ran a red light! instead of taking responsibility for driving too fast. A parent might claim My child isn’t misbehaving, he just has ADHD! instead of admitting to bad parenting skills. You can see how these sorts of situations quickly become toxic in relationships because you don’t know who to trust anymore.

A Narcissist Might not Respect your Wishes or Feelings

Because narcissists feel entitled to get whatever they want (and blame others for their failures), it’s hard to expect that they’ll respect your wishes or feelings. They might not be upfront about their intentions or mask what they really feel – which is why it’s important to understand how you can tell if you’re dating a narcissist.

Jealousy and accusations

A person with narcissistic personality disorder believes that he or she is entitled to special treatment and has little regard for other people’s feelings. This behavior can manifest itself in extreme jealousy and suspicion, constant criticism of friends and family members—often behind their backs—and public humiliation if they don’t receive special treatment. Many narcissists use silent treatments as a way to control their partner’s emotions.

Unreasonable Expectations

If your partner consistently demands more of you than is fair or reasonable—whether it’s emotional support, attention, sex or money—they may be exhibiting narcissistic tendencies. Narcissists expect special treatment and feel entitled to it. They don’t like asking for help and are aggressive when others don’t give them what they want. If these traits sound familiar, talk to your partner about their expectations and needs.

Be prepared that they won’t take responsibility for their behaviour. If they do not change their ways after you bring up your concerns in a calm way and in an appropriate setting (i.e., not during an argument), end things before you get too emotionally invested or stuck in an unhealthy cycle of resentment or abuse.

Rage/Abuse Cycle

The rage/abuse cycle is a well known phonemenon in Narcissistic personalities. It can typically start off with insults and verbal abuse. This is often followed by shunning, which manifests as ignoring or excluding your partner from social activities for days or weeks at a time. The abuser then seeks to control you with threats and humiliation, such as making negative comments about your appearance etc. This cycle is well documented in narcissism and can take several forms.

Get Help

If you feel as though you are in a bad relationship, seek help from a counsellor. If your partner is unwilling to go with you, take a friend or go alone. It is not good to be in a relationship where both parties are unhealthily dependent on each other.

A counseller can help you get through these hurdles and give you a safe space to talk about your problems. Contact us today to book a session.

5 Ways to Self-Soothe Your Anxiety

Wed, 06 Jul 2022 07:27:08 GMT

Stress and anxiety can be painful and overwhelming, causing you to lose sleep, productivity, and focus.

When you’re feeling overwhelmed, trying to find ways to relieve your stress can be difficult, especially when it feels like there’s too much on your plate. If you want to find healthy ways to self-soothe your anxiety, try these five methods of self-soothing that are proven to help reduce anxiety and stress levels in as little as 20 minutes.

Get Creative

During a time of stress, your mind can get stuck on specific thoughts and images, causing fear or worry. When you need to self-soothe quickly, creativity is key. If you get stuck in a looping negative thought cycle during a stressful time, try taking deep breaths for several minutes. This will let your mind relax as it processes new information and allows you to come up with new strategies and ideas.

Even if these new strategies don’t work immediately, they will help keep your mind off anxious thoughts while relaxing enough that you can think more clearly when things settle down again.

Try Yoga

Yoga offers flexibility, strength and mindfulness, which are three keys to handling anxiety. Studies have also shown that yoga can help lower blood pressure and stress hormones. In fact, it’s even more effective at reducing stress than a 30-minute walk in nature—yes, really! As part of your yoga practice, try ujjayi breathing (aka ocean breathing).

It’s a relaxing way to concentrate on your breath while inhaling and exhaling deeply from your diaphragm. By closing off one nostril with your thumb or index finger (preferably with a non allergic finger) and slowly inhaling through your other nostril for four counts, then closing off that nostril and slowly exhaling for eight counts through both nostrils. Continue doing this for five minutes, then switch sides. Ujjayi breathing is an excellent tool to use during times of stress as well as general relaxation.

Eat Foods That Soothe

The most direct way to self-soothe is to eat foods that reduce anxiety. Look for ingredients like B vitamins, which help relieve stress and boost mood; try dark chocolate, kiwi, grapefruit, avocados, blueberries and more. Just keep in mind that sometimes self-soothing can become an excuse for eating junk food. Don’t just grab something unhealthy because it makes you feel better—focus on real whole foods.

And when it comes to sugar, remember that a little goes a long way: research shows sugar cravings are usually caused by a nutrient deficiency or imbalance (not hunger). When your body needs nutrients, you crave sugar. Eat fruits and vegetables with healthy fats (like avocado) to calm down and soothe yourself without turning to junk food. If you’re craving sweets or carbs (or both), try having some fruit instead of cake or cookies – research shows that protein curbs appetite more effectively than carbs do!

Practice Deep Breathing

There’s a reason why we use breathing exercises and deep breathing as a way to relax. It works. In fact, studies have shown that deep breathing—using mindfulness techniques—can actually make your brain work better, slowing stress and anger, while increasing performance on tests of memory and attention. To practice deep breathing at home, sit up straight in a chair with your feet flat on the floor.

Breathe in slowly through your nose for four seconds; hold it for two; breathe out slowly through your mouth for four seconds. Repeat for 10 minutes or so (or even just five minutes). Inhale deeply from that belly button down place with every breath. You can also try counting to ten on each inhale and exhale. Don’t forget to smile! This is a great exercise if you need help falling asleep at night, too.

Journal Writing

Journaling is a powerful tool that can help relieve stress by giving you a place to process your thoughts. Try writing about how you feel before going to bed at night and see if it helps calm your mind, reducing feelings of stress, anxiety or depression . It might seem intimidating in the beginning, but putting your emotions down on paper will likely help you sleep better, which is worth a try if nothing else.

If journaling doesn’t work for you right away, don’t give up! The most important thing is that you try different methods and figure out what works best for you. Most importantly, make sure that whatever strategy you choose helps prevent negative thoughts from seeping into other parts of your life.

Book a Counselling Session

Book a counselling to talk about ways you can teach yourself to self soothe. It is important that you learn how to manage your stress levels and anxiety because it will improve your quality of life in many ways.

You will be able to feel more relaxed, get better sleep, and have more energy for other things in your life if you are able to find healthy methods of dealing with stress and anxiety.

Book a session with Cooks Hill Counselling today.

10 Ways to Deal with Jealousy

Tue, 26 Apr 2022 11:21:47 GMT

One of the most common relationship problems that people encounter is jealousy.

Whether your partner has an ex-lover who keeps contacting them, or you get jealous when your partner flirts with other people, dealing with jealousy in a relationship can often be difficult and painful. Unfortunately, jealousy can also do damage to your relationship if left unchecked, so it’s important to know how to handle this issue before it spirals out of control. Learn how to deal with jealousy in a relationship by following these tips and strategies that will help you feel happier and more secure about your relation ship and yourself.

Staying Present

It’s not easy, but practice makes perfect. If you find yourself feeling envious of your partner, be thankful that they are in your life and remind yourself of their good qualities—then think about what’s going well in your relationship. You can also see a professional if jealousy is starting to take a toll on your love life.

Knowing when it's time to move on

It’s normal to feel jealous in a relationship, especially when that jealousy stems from something concrete—like a partner seeing someone else or spending time with others. The important thing is not to overreact and lose sight of your bond as you work through things; keeping communication open is key here. When you feel jealous, step back and think about why—and if it’s something you can address within your relationship, discuss it candidly. Then try these tips for dealing with any lingering feelings

Understanding where the jealous feelings are coming from

It’s important to get a sense of why you are feeling jealous. Is it because your partner has started spending time with someone new? Do you feel like they are not paying attention to you anymore? Is there something that is going on in your life that is causing these feelings of jealousy? Once you can understand what is triggering these feelings then you can begin moving toward dealing with them effectively.

Honesty, communication, trust

The most common way to deal with feelings of jealousy is to express them and be honest. This can be difficult when they come up, but being able to discuss them (or at least acknowledge them) as they occur will help you come up with creative solutions. Communication is key, so if you’re feeling jealous and want your partner’ s help in dealing with it, tell him or her!

Communicate desires and limits clearly

The first step in dealing with jealousy is communication. Be able to discuss your feelings and needs, as well as your partner’s feelings and needs. Find a way to express yourself clearly and effectively so you can work through tough issues together instead of feeling overwhelmed by emotions that are out of control. It is important for partners to always respect each other’s right to communicate their wants and desires even if they aren’t what you want or desire.

Affirm what's great

Make a list of all your partner' s good qualities. Recognise that there are many more things about your mate that you like than dislike. Focus on your partner's positives when you're confronted by negative thoughts about him or her. If you have trouble seeing your partner's positive traits, ask friends and family members for their observations and opinions. You might be surprised at what they see in your relationship.

Balance negative thoughts with positive ones

Make a conscious effort to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. For example, if you’re consumed by jealousy over your partner’s female coworker and can’t stop yourself from imagining that they’re going to have an affair, try picturing them enjoying their favorite activity at home together instead. It may seem cheesy, but it works!

Discuss incidents that may spark jealousy

Even if you love your partner, there may be something about them that makes you a little bit jealous. Being aware of those jealous triggers and talking openly about them is an important part of a healthy relationship. If you’re feeling upset or uncertain, it’s helpful to look at past incidents in which your jealousy has been triggered. Were they times when your partner was spending more time away from you than usual?

Get counselling

One of our first steps towards overcoming jealousy is reaching out for support. If you can’t seem to manage on your own, consider professional help from a trusted counsellor or therapist. Counselling can help you better understand your jealousy and gain a deeper insight into yourself and your partner’s behaviours.

Top 10 Mistakes to Avoid After a Breakup

websitebuilder@thryv.com — Tue, 22 Mar 2022 03:55:42 GMT

Here are some mistakes you should av oid in the first month after a breakup, and how to move forward with your life successfully.

Breakups are tough, no matter what the circumstances may be behind them. Whether you’re dealing with the pain of an expected breakup or the sudden devastation that comes with losing your partner to someone else, the experience can leave you completely lost and confused about what to do next. Here are some mistakes you should avoid in the first month after a breakup, and how to move forward with your life successfully.

1) Trying to Get them Back

Though your heart may still be broken, you need to get out there. Remember that old saying out of sight, out of mind? It is partially true—being able to avoid an ex makes it easier for you not to think about them as much. So, if you are trying to get over somebody, make sure you are active in other aspects of your life. Join clubs and make friends. Don’t let yourself fall into isolation and depression over your former relationship.

2) Oversharing on Social Media

It can be tempting to want to post about how you’re feeling, what you’re going through, and who you are currently crushing on. But posting too much about your ex or your relationship will only result in prying eyes from people close and even from strangers. They don’t need or care about your love life so don’t share it with them. The best thing to do is keep social media limited to happy posts that have nothing to do with anyone other than yourself. People will see those and think of you as confident, not desperate—and that confidence just might help heal your broken heart quicker.

3) Dwelling on your Previous Relationship

It’s easy to let old feelings of love and affection for your ex distract you from moving on. But remember, he or she is not part of your life anymore—so leave it at that! Try to devote some time each day doing something new and fun (instead of thinking about how great things used to be with your ex). You’ll get over him or her quicker if you stop looking back. Consider joining an activity group, like a sports league or yoga class. Go out with friends more often and surround yourself with positive influences who can encourage you to take action toward achieving your goals.

4) Getting into another Relationship Soo Soon

In some cases, you might find yourself ready for another relationship just as soon as your last one is over. This could be okay if you’re with someone you truly love and that person feels the same way about you. But if your ex wasn’t all that good for you—if he or she cheated on you, for example—then it would be more beneficial to give it some time before diving into another relationship. The most important thing is to make sure you are emotionally healthy enough before getting back out there. Your well-being should always come first when looking forward to something new.

5) Doing Nothing Because you Don’t Know where or how to Start Over

It’s easy to fall into depression and paralysis, but you don’t want that! In these early days of your single life, it is best to be active rather than inactive. And while you can’t just jump right back into dating—you need some time to heal and recharge emotionally—you should still be doing things that make you happy. Plus, staying active has been shown to improve mood and help people move on from relationships more quickly.

So go out with friends, take up a new hobby or join an activity group that meets regularly at a location near you (YMCA, anyone?). The key is to do something besides mope around; as Joan Didion put it: The future always looks good in other places. You never know where inspiration will strike next: A friend or coworker might introduce you to someone great.

6) Not giving them Space

You’ve just gone through one of life’s most emotionally exhausting and painful situations. You don’t need someone nagging you about being friends or asking how you feel. Keep them at arm’s length, at least for now. If they want space, let them have it. And if they don’t, that will likely become obvious as time goes on; keep your options open.

7) Social Media Stalking Them is Wrong

This is an easy mistake to make, and it’s also an easy mistake to fix. Even if you have every right to see what your ex is up to, there’s no reason for you to put yourself through that kind of pain. Stay away from their social media profiles and get some help finding other ways of dealing with your emotions. If you absolutely need something to feel like you’re staying connected, send them a text message or even leave them a voicemail! That way they don’t have to feel like they can ignore your messages completely.

8) Trying online dating right away

Online dating is great, but it’s not for everyone. In fact, some experts argue that rushing into an online-dating relationship too soon after a breakup can actually hinder your ability to make good decisions about who you date. Take time off from online dating and focus on building up your social life offline before jumping back into dating apps headfirst. Doing so will give you time to evaluate what went wrong with your previous relationship —and how much time you want to invest in making new relationships work out. That said, if you feel like jumping right back into searching for love online, then by all means do it! Only you know when you’re ready to try again. And remember: if at first you don’t succeed (read: find someone wonderful), don’t worry—it happens to all of us!

9) Being Hostile to your Ex

If you become hostile towards your ex, chances are it will end up hurting you. There are many ways of handling a split which don’t involve holding on to feelings of hostility and anger. Learning how to let go of these feelings will make it easier for you and give your ex-partner space to move on with their life as well.

10) Not Letting Yourself Grieve

When your relationship ends, you’re going to have a lot of pain and grief. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling bad or suppress your feelings—the most important thing is that you allow yourself to heal and move on. Give yourself permission to grieve without any judgment. (You may want some outside help.) If you try not to feel what you’re feeling, it will only end up affecting how long it takes for you move on—or if you do at all.

Get Counselling

Often, people fall into a hole when they break up with their partner. They can’t eat, sleep or concentrate at work. The best thing you can do is talk to someone about how you feel. A therapist can help you work through your feelings and get back on track; so if your heart has been broken, don’t let it destroy your entire life! Get counselling! Call us or send us a message on Facebook. We are here for you.

Why You Should Talk to a Counsellor After Breaking Up

websitebuilder@thryv.com — Thu, 03 Mar 2022 23:10:41 GMT

A breakup can be hard to deal with e motionally, even if it’s long overdue and you were the one who initiated it.

Breaking up involves dealing with the emotional impact of losing someone you may have been dating for months or years, not to mention the logistical challenges of separating your lives and parting ways on good terms.

Finding a Safe Space

When you’re going through a relationship breakup, it can be hard to find someone with whom you can talk. Friends and family members might not understand your feelings, which makes talking about what happened difficult. That’s why seeking counselling after breaking up is so important. Your therapist won’t take sides or judge your decisions; they will simply give you an unbiased space in which to vent and deal with emotions that might otherwise go unnoticed.

It also gives you time to reflect on whether you did everything in your power to save your relationship before ultimately deciding it wasn’t right for you. If there are things you could have done differently, changing those behaviors could make future relationships easier. Lastly, being able to talk about what happened helps us learn from our mistakes; even if another similar situation arises, we are better equipped at finding closure and starting over fresh.

Preventing Things From Getting Worse

When we’re going through a breakup, it can be easy to spiral into depression. After you’ve broken up with your partner, make sure that you have someone in your corner who can keep you grounded and help prevent things from getting worse. This could be talking with a close friend or family member or even meeting with a professional counsellor if you find yourself unable to stop obsessing over your breakup. Remember: there is always help available when you need it!

With so many people willing to listen to your side of things and provide helpful advice, these options might make all of the difference.

Examining Thoughts

When you’re going through a breakup, it can be incredibly easy to beat yourself up for everything that you think went wrong. But how objective are your thoughts really? Are you examining them from all angles or just blowing them out of proportion because you’re hurting? Maybe some perspective would help—that’s where counselling comes in. A counsellor will give you a place to safely express and explore your feelings.

Plus, they’ll provide unbiased advice based on their expertise and experience with other clients who have been in similar situations. A good counselor will make sure you don’t stay stuck in an unhealthy pattern while also giving you space to deal with complicated emotions like guilt and shame.

Expressing Feelings

It can be quite difficult to express how you’re feeling, whether it’s due to shame or fear of judgement. It’s hard for us as humans not only to share our experiences but also relate those experiences and have them understood by someone else. It’s much easier to tell people that everything is fine, thanks, even when it really isn’t. There are counsellors around who will listen to your problems, no matter what they are.

The counselling services at Cooks Hill Counselling provide an outlet for all your feelings – from negative ones such as self-pity and resentment, to positive ones such as happiness, excitement and joy. There’s nothing wrong with any of these feelings; it just becomes an issue when we allow negative emotions to build up without releasing them in a healthy way.

Getting Back to Normal

Just as every breakup is different, every separation and divorce has its own set of problems. For many people, feeling back to normal can be challenging. That’s why it’s critical that you take some time for yourself after breaking up with your partner so you can process everything you’re feeling—and give yourself space from your relationship.

Talking with a counsellor can help ensure that you don’t make any rash decisions about your future without giving yourself adequate time to process everything first.

Complex Trauma: How Your Upbringing Can Affect You in Life

Wed, 15 Dec 2021 04:22:31 GMT

Different types of family upbringing can have a significant impact on a person’s psychological growth and maturity. Ideally, this could’ve been the definition of an individual’s childhood experience. However, most people would view their childhood as the period of instilled trauma and a contrast to the ideological perspective of having a “perfect” childhood.

Unresolved complex trauma can leave people with poor mental health episodes and place burdens of high expectations upon themselves. It can take years or even decades to recover from it. Tragically, it can also last for a lifetime, so it’s important to get help.

If the therapy medications or diagnoses fail to work for the client, they may begin to suspect and feel that their trauma is incurable.

As time goes on, a generous amount of people come to believe that they are somehow responsible for how much pain they had to go through. In conclusion, they gradually reflect and understand that the real culprit is inside them, which is complex trauma.

Definition of Complex Trauma

In context, complex trauma refers to onset exposure to the interrelated forms of past traumatic experiences. These result in a person having unhealthy coping mechanisms or adapting to risky habits that will cost their life choices in the future. It can also gradually disguise itself as an adaptable survival tactic that will eventually become detrimental to a person’s whole being.

In most cases, complex trauma typically begins in early childhood. A parental figure can inflict traumatic experiences and since children often see the adults in their respective households as trusted role models. This can bring forth trust issues, among other things. Complex trauma traces back to a family’s generation of abusive patterns.

The aftermath of complex trauma contains a span of therapy diagnoses, misdiagnoses, and problems relating to health, relationships, and a dysfunctional academic background.

The Impact of Complex Trauma on Guilt and Shame

A child’s ability to have a sense of autonomy and self-worth will be at a loss when a traumatic event is present. It often remains in a child’s memory for a lifetime unless there’s an involved therapist.

This traumatic dread may have a throbbing impact on a person’s adulthood stage, which may be filled with rage, shame, existential anxiety, and guilt. These traumatic experiences may also make people feel disconnected from their loved ones, have severe anger issues, and have heightened depression and anxiety.

When a child experiences any form of abuse from their trusted parental figure, it can alter and condition the way the child forms relationships and friendships later in life. They may start seeing their favoured role models through the stages of mistrust. They may also have pent-up resentment and no longer trust people.

Attachment Style Disorders That Stems from Parental Complex Trauma

Dysfunctional adulthood attachment style occurs when a child experiences abuse or neglect from their parental figure, affecting their adulthood stage. These can include:

Dismissive Avoidant Attachment: This attachment style stems from the caregiver’s neglectful way of taking care of a child or the lack of providing nutritional and basic needs to their minor. When that child reaches adulthood, they may choose to become highly independent to protect themselves from rejection.

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment : When a child experiences domestic abuse and parental neglect, it will negatively impact forming friendships and intimate relationships. In adulthood, those traumatic events will cause a person to have trust issues, and it would be challenging for them to be emotionally expressive in a relationship.

Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment : A person with this type of attachment may appear needy and will often require constant reassurances in close relationships. They will never feel a genuine sense of security. It all came from parents who weren’t consistent with their emotional availability during childhood. Inconsistent parental affection and conditional positive regard cause the child to question their self-worth and require repeated reassurances constantly.

The Complex Trauma Framework

This psychological framework recognises that a trauma survivor’s experience cannot be evaluated and confined in pure isolation. Instead, be considered for the client to exert a tremendous effort to adapt to life’s hardships.

In therapy, they provide strength-based and survival methods to re-examine trauma and shift the focal point from “what’s wrong with you?” to “what happened to you?”

A complex trauma re-examination therapy takes many external factors into a session, which includes:

Re-evaluation of the client’s habits, such as severe aggression, suicidal tendencies, self-harm, or giving up one’s self-worth.

Social retardation or interpersonal relationship problems include social anxiety, misanthropic tendencies , social withdrawal, and pushing trustworthy people away.

Self-worth and identity issues, such as self-loathing, identity dissonance , and a fractured sense of self.

Psychiatric treatment includes eating disorders (e.g. bulimia nervosa, anorexia nervosa, and binge eating disorder) and cognitive neurodiversity , part of the autistic spectrum .

These complex trauma perspectives can be viewed on a case to case situation with adaptive tactics to survive the overwhelming life experiences in this cruel and harsh world.

The Long-lasting Effects of Complex Trauma

Traumatic distress can negatively affect a person’s overall development and maturity for a lifetime. It also depends on the psychiatric treatment involved.

People who experienced abuse and neglect during childhood may develop unhealthy coping mechanisms that allow them to function and survive daily. They may live life walking on the tip of a shard and constantly lashing out to their parental figure. These people learn to adapt that bottling and repressing their emotions is normal to mask their pent-up anger issues and depression.

The National Child Traumatic Stress Network states a strong connotation between childhood trauma and unhealthy habits, such as excessive tobacco intake , compulsive sexual behaviour such as nymphomania in women and satyriasis in men, and experiencing terminal illnesses such as cancer and heart ailments.

In addition, people who have experienced complex trauma are more likely to experience severe anxiety and stress during adulthood. This long-term psychological distress can cause emotional detachment and physical illnesses throughout life.

Conclusion

In summary, childhood trauma is like a ticking bomb that can, later on, cause a damaging impact during adulthood. It stays forever in a person’s identity if left unresolved. A person’s overall maturity depends on their family upbringing, affecting their emotional health during adulthood.

Are you struggling to reflect on your traumatic experiences or talking it out to a trusted professional? Come with us and book an appointment at cookshill@optusnet.com.au or give us a call at 0421 598 486.

How Stress at Work Affects Your Life

Wed, 15 Dec 2021 03:21:06 GMT

Not all jobs are created equal when it comes to stress, but if you’re feeling stressed out from your work, that stress may be spilling over into your life outside of the office as well. Stress can affect your physical health and productivity, and it’s essential to understand what you can do to manage the situation and reduce your stress at work. For more information on how stress at work affects your life, read below.

Stress At Work Makes You Sick

A study conducted by researchers from Harvard, Stanford and UC Berkeley found that employees who had control over their work environments were more physically healthy than those with low job control. Additionally, workers with common job control had an increased risk of chronic diseases like diabetes and obesity.

The opposite held for employees with high levels of job control; they demonstrated fewer symptoms of illness. Both groups were no different in terms of mental health and emotional support. The outcome: Workers felt less stressed when they believed they could better manage their daily lives at work.

Stress At Work Affects Your Marriage

When you’re stuck in a stressful work situation, it can be hard to remember that your job doesn’t have to control every aspect of your life. You still have obligations to your family and friends, so don’t let yourself get consumed by stress. Learn how to navigate work-life balance with these tips.

It’s normal to feel overwhelmed sometimes—but when those feelings affect our lives outside of work, they can also become a problem. Recent studies show that emotional well-being is as important as physical health for workers who need to achieve high-performance levels regularly. If you find that your mood or quality of life has been negatively affected by stress at work, you can take steps to manage it.

Stress At Work Makes It Harder To Sleep

The hectic pace of modern life—particularly work—is such that we often find it impossible to unwind and relax. Studies show that people who feel stressed at work also tend to feel more stressed and anxious during their time. If you’re feeling like your job is negatively affecting your ability to sleep well at night, think about whether there’s anything you can do to reduce your stress level. It might just improve your overall quality of life.

Stress At Work Can Lead To Weight Gain

Stress is one of the most significant factors when it comes to weight gain . Our bodies react to chronic stress by producing more cortisol. This hormone encourages fat storage and slows down your metabolism. Not only can a stressful job lead to weight gain, but it also weakens your immune system and increases your risk for significant health issues like heart disease, diabetes, and depression.

Find ways to reduce your stress level now! Don’t wait until you’re fifty pounds overweight! You can take back control of your life now. With these steps, you will find relief from chronic stress and increase self-esteem and confidence at work.

Quitting a Stressful Job

Most of us have had jobs we didn’t like. We all need to pay our bills, so we often stuck it out and hoped for a change in our circumstances. If you feel like your work environment is becoming harmful to your emotional or physical health, it might be time to start looking for a new job. Think about your needs and decide what’s important to you—then follow through on that decision. You can always go back if things don’t work out.

Counselling for Stress

The reality is that stress will never go away. It’s an unfortunate truth of modern life. But, there are steps you can take to cope with your stress and make your day-to-day life more manageable. Counselling is one of those steps; it allows you to talk about what’s on your mind without feeling judged or embarrassed by what you say. To learn more about how counselling works and how it could help, please contact our office today. We look forward to hearing from you!

Annoying Habits that Cause Stress in a Relationship

Fri, 19 Nov 2021 03:34:32 GMT

Does your partner pay more attention to their social media accounts more than being affectionate to you? Have you been avoiding being sexually intimate in bed with your spouse? Do you even have secrets from your partner to “safeguard” your relationship?

These subtle traits and habits might cause distress down the track in your married life. However, there is still time to change these bad habits and increase intimacy with your significant other.

Being in a romantic relationship isn’t just about living in a fairytale dreamscape with your better half. A healthy relationship should be made up of two people in love who are willing to exert a combined effort to strengthen their bond for a lovely life journey.

Be mindful that healthy relationships aren’t just butterflies in your stomach, they also require respect, communication, loyalty and commitment from one another.

Is It Normal for Your Partner to Exhibit Annoying and Irritable Habits?

In a nutshell, yes. Living with somebody can often result in you discovering annoying things about them and them about you. In relationships, it is vital to understand the differences, flaws and quirks that make you and your partner unique from each other. However, when you combine these differences to form a relationship, you and your spouse will gradually find irritable traits from each other that may eventually cause petty arguments and disagreements.

Communication will always be the key to a healthy relationship, otherwise, you might find healthy intimacy a problem. For instance, if your partner makes a hearty breakfast for you before you start your day, they are usually demonstrating their love. This might be described as their love language. Each partner has their own love language that is usually unique to them.

Whether it’s acts of kindness, physical touch, quality time, giving presents or words of affirmation, a couple gets to have their own love languag e and will eventually know their partner’s intimacy needs to feel loved and appreciated.

Be appreciative of your partner’s efforts, either with a thankful remark, a cuddle or sincere, affectionate words. On the other hand, if you feel like you’re walking on eggshells or in a toxic relationship, you might want to reconsider your spouse’s talk.

Here are some things that might cause distress in your relationship:

Criticising Your Partner

In reality, there is no such thing as a perfect person, so don’t set unrealistic standards on them. Habitually scrutinising your partner’s flaws and mistakes might make them feel unappreciative of themselves or have low self-confidence in themselves.

Studies show that counsellors identify extreme criticism in relationships as one of the top predictors for break-ups or divorce. So if you’re habitually criticising your significant other, or they you, it might be time to seek some help.

Constantly Comparing Your Significant Other to Your Ex

The past remains as a past, and you should not constantly bring it up, especially if it’s a sore point for your partner. Forget your ex-lover and try to avoid comparing them to your current partner. Otherwise, that may expose insecurities which may end the relationship or cause problems.

Engaging in Affection or Argueing in Public Spaces

Not everyone wants to see a couple making out in public. Many people find this uncomfortable and some are triggered. If you and your partner have some serious issues to talk about, have an open-minded conversation in private instead of creating a fuss from arguing in public.

Evading Issues

Love is not all sweetness and affection. Sometimes issues need to be discussed and it may not always be pretty. The deep conversations need to be had, so make time for these so you can both be on the same page.

Bottling up Your Feelings

Your partner is not a mind-reader who automatically knows your problems. Learn to express yourself, your needs and your emotions. It’s unhealthy to bottle things up and can result in a host of health problems.

Forgetting To Forgive

To forgive a person is a virtue. Nobody’s perfect, to begin with, and everybody makes mistakes. Holding grudges may not be healthy for your heart, and worse, it can lead you to unwanted stress and anxiety. At the right time, sympathise and forgive your partner.

Bad Timing for Serious Discussions

Serious conversations such as financial planning and relationship expectations should be discussed. These conversations can get heavy so a good idea is to plan the time and place these will take place, and prepare accordingly. Stay calm and avoid alcohol prior.

Looking Through Each Other’s Phones

Trust is one of the essential components of a relationship. Respect your partner’s privacy and show them that you are trustworthy as a partner. Don’t do it, no matter how tempted you are to check their phone texts or bedroom drawers.

Allowing Jealousy to Ruin the Trust

Jealousy can happen at any point in a relationship. However, it may lead to doubting your partner and can be a symptom of a more significant problem: insecurity.

Are you experiencing one of these problems with your husband, wife or significant other? Let us know and have a heartfelt conversation at cookshill@optusnet.com.au or contact us at 0421 598 486.

Empty Nesters: Embrace Your New Life

Tue, 19 Oct 2021 03:48:09 GMT

There will be a time when parents wave goodbye for the last time as their kids move out for a taste of independence. The time moves quickly as kids finally leave for university or move in with friends to be grown-ups at their own pace. However, it can be pretty difficult for the parents to adjust to a new family dynamic without their children in the family home. Some parents end up with large homes that used to be a symphony of voices, noises and mess.

You may miss the presence of your children, but this chapter can be a refreshing start to a new life! Grab the opportunity to meditate and reconnect with your loved ones, as well as with yourself. Try to rekindle the passionate flame in you from the hobbies you used to love or explore other recreational activities you’ve always wanted to try. Take the time to do what you wish to do without worrying about what the kids need.

If you are a parent whose kids recently moved out, here are some tips that might help you gradually embrace your new life as an “empty nester” together with your spouse:

1. Spice Up Your Cooking Skills

Turn on the kitchen stove and simmer it with your cooking pot to spice up the dish to your dinner table! Even though you’re the most incredible cook in your family, there will always be room for improvement and new learnings to come along the way. So try to explor e some new and delightful homemade recipes that will surely bring a bright atmosphere into an empty nester’s home.

2. Give your Home a Furnishing Touch

Letting go of your children who have already settled a place of their own isn’t entirely a thing that you should completely worry about. The rooms may be empty, but the memories of nurturing your kids are still in there. Renovate your home with a furnishing touch by painting the walls or re-arranging the furniture sets with a stylish look of your choice.

3. Build a Library of your Book Collection

If you are an avid fan of reading books or hoarding your best literary collectibles, this option is for you. You can take this opportunity by building a grand library of your timeless literary classic collection. Having a personal library of your own can finally make your peaceful reading sessions come true. So at this moment, start organising your books and live in the comfort of your literary dreamscape.

4. Unleash Your Artistic Creativity

Everyone can create an artistic masterpiece that they will indeed treasure for life. Expand your creativity and call the inner Pablo Picasso in you by trying to learn a new set of skills through pottery, painting, woodworking, sculpting, crocheting, knitting, or glass painting. These artistic media can make your way to pass the time, but they can also coordinate your mind and hands to create with ease.

5. Start Gardening

Grab your shovel and engage yourself in this stress-relieving activity of making your ideal garden. To fill in some time after your kids have finally settled on their place, a lovely garden adorned with flowers, herbs, vegetables, and greenery can make your home livelier. Studies have also shown that taking care of your gardening plants can reduce stress, anxiety, and loneliness.

6. Be Physically Active

To become physically healthy at the age of retirement can be a challenging task. However, exercising doesn’t necessarily relate to extreme gym workouts that can quickly drain your stamina. Instead, try to take up yoga classes or any outdoor sports activities of your choice that can make you energetic and lively in your 50’s. Even walking half an hour a day can make a massive difference to your cardiovascular health.

7. Pick Up a Musical Instrument

Whether it's a piano, guitar, flute, or a violin that you’re going to pick up as an instrument to spend your time with, it can keep your mind active and lively, as well as teach you the art of dedication as well.

Playing a musical instrument can take a massive amount of discipline and devotion to be good at it. However, it is still a fun activity at the end of the day by playing some tunes to keep you entertained and smile throughout the day. There are many free tutorials on YouTube and even apps on your phone to help you learn quickly.

8. Get in Touch With Your Old Friends

Life may go on as it is, but old friends will always stay with you in the end. It can be hard to keep in touch with your friends while raising your own family. Now it’s your time to reach out and reconnect the bond between you and your old friend circle. It can be refreshing to know how much they miss you throughout these years. Join clubs and meet new friends. You will be surprised at how many people are in the same boat as you.

9. Adopt a Pet or Two

Rekindle the inner pet lover in you by adopting a pet of your choice! Your home doesn’t necessarily have to be lonely and empty. You can gain companionship by adopting a “fur baby”, whether it has feathers, fur or scales. These pets may be pretty energetic or quieter than usual, but they are like your children that deserve care and love from you as their pet parent.

10. Start Traveling Around the World (When it’s Safer)

Hop on to the adventurous trip across the globe! Whether it is a solo or couple trip, being at the age of an empty nest gives you a vast amount of opportunity to explore the country that you’ve always wanted to visit. So try to create a bucket list of places that you dreamt of seeing and venturing out.

Not only is travelling without the kids a thrifty way to save money, but it can also be the time to reconnect the bond with your spouse, yourself, or your significant other.

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Bring A Fresh Perspective To Your Life

Remember that being an empty nester doesn’t mean you have a clinical disorder or diagnosis. Instead, it is a transitional period in life that highlights loneliness and loss in some people. It can be a shock to find yourself alone suddenly.

If you would like to keep in touch with someone during this time, Cooks Hill Counselling is available to talk to. Send us a message at cookshill@optusnet.com.au or give us a call at 0421 598 486.

PTSD: Symptoms and How It Can Happen

Wed, 06 Oct 2021 04:21:34 GMT

PTSD, also known as “Post-traumatic Stress Disorder”, is a mental health condition triggered by a traumatic event that happened in the past. People with PTSD may have experienced or witnessed terrifying events that would later haunt their lives. Its symptoms may include panic attacks after having flashbacks, nightmares, severe anxiety and uncontrollable thoughts.

A person who has experienced a traumatic event may temporarily have difficulty coping and adjusting to their lives. But with time and good self-care, they may overcome the obstacles. However, if the symptoms worsen and start to interfere and affect their day-to-day living after a month or even years, they may have PTSD.

But do not worry. Life is not over when you have PTSD because therapists can still reduce its symptoms with proper treatment and consultation.

What are the Symptoms?

PTSD’s symptoms are generally grouped into intrusive memories, avoidance, negative changes in thinking and moods, and changes in physical and emotional reactions. Symptoms may vary over time or from a person to another.

Intrusive Memories

Recurrent, unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event.
Having flashbacks and reliving the traumatic event as if it were to happen again.
Constantly having nightmares about the said event.
Severe anxiety, panic attacks and physical reactions to something that reminds you of the traumatic event.

Avoidance

Avoiding thinking and talking about the traumatic event.
Avoiding people, places and other things that remind you of the traumatic event.

Negative Changes in Thinking and Mood Swings

Having negative thoughts about yourself and other people.
Hopelessness about yourself and the future.
Lack of interest and will to do the activities you once enjoyed doing.
Memory problems.
Finding it difficult to maintain close relationships .
Feeling detached from your loved ones.
Feeling emotionally numb.
Finding it challenging to experience positivity in mind and emotions.

Changes in Physical and Emotional Reactions (Arousal symptoms)

Being easily startled.
Constantly on guard and watching out for danger.
Having a self-destructive behaviour
Feeling irritated, angry outbursts and aggressive behaviour
Overwhelming shame and guilt.
Trouble sleeping
Finding it difficult to concentrate

These symptoms may get more severe over time, and you may have more of these symptoms when you’re generally stressed out. You may also have a hard time dealing with things that might remind you of the traumatic event you went through in the past.

Traumatic Events

PTSD is often caused by going through or witnessing a traumatic event in the past. You may have absorbed any of those traumatic events into your mind until it overwhelms you entirely.

Just as stated above, you may develop PTSD through experiencing and witnessing traumatic events. These traumatic events may include:

Physical and sexual abuse
Harsh experiences during military or combat training
Exposure to a violent environment
Witnessing a death
Accident

How PTSD May Affect Your Life

PTSD is a severe mental health condition. It may affect anyone regardless of age, gender and ethnicity. If it is left unattended, it may completely disrupt your life—your daily living, your relationships and your social life. PTSD may also increase the risk or lead you to other mental illnesses or abuses such as depression and anxiety , drug abuse , self-inflicted injuries, and suicidal thoughts.

Consult With an Expert

If you or someone you know shows any of these symptoms, do not hesitate to consult an expert and reach out to your loved ones to get the help you need. PTSD requires proper medical treatment as soon as possible to prevent it from getting any worse.

With that being said, Cooks Hill Counselling offers the best counselling services that may help you with overcoming PTSD. You will be taken care of by our down-to-earth professionals through unbiased judgment.

How Counselling Can Help Solve Your Relationship Problems

Thu, 16 Sep 2021 11:40:54 GMT

Our relationships impact how we see ourselves and how we connect with others, especially our friends, family, and partners. Conflicts may arise here and there with your loved ones, and in some instances, it might be hard to come to a compromise.

If these troubling situations arise, learn to work through your conflict , move past it, and achieve a happy outcome. But these steps sound harder than they should; it's not easy to change your habits, it's also not easy to forgive, and for some, it's not easy to accept your mistakes.

Here's where a "third party" might be useful: in the form of counselling. But how is counselling going to help you through your relationship problems? If it's your problem, why involve a stranger? Why would you invest your time and money to go through therapy?

It's the "third party" aspect. In counselling, you are technically pouring your heart out to a stranger, and of course, that may feel strange to some. But the wonderful thing about sharing your problems with a stranger - an experienced counsellor at that - is how a counsellor won’t ever judge you and their participation is impartial. With counsellors, they know how to focus on the issues that can improve the situation with nothing to gain personally. They respect your feelings, your emotions, and your insights and offer theirs.

Counselling can be challenging, but it's a massive step to a resolution and ultimately, self-improvement. One of the reasons why relationship problems sometimes become worse is because people often have a lot of emotions when speaking to their partner. Keeping these in check and examining them is something that can go a long way to overcoming hurdles.

In counselling, you will learn a lot of things, including:

Identify possible issues in the relationship and what may have caused them
Explore emotions, thoughts, and behaviours that may be destructive
Consider alternative ways to settle conflicts
Support to make healthier choices in the future
Help you with coping strategies that work uniquely for you
Implement greater self-awareness

Counselling aims to explore your solutions to the problem and learn to accept and respect yourself and the ones involved in it. It isn't merely seeking advice; it’s an impartial guide and a support system that can make a huge difference.

A counsellor's help can keep us accountable and assist us on the road to recovery . When you're ready to open up your relationship problems to a counsellor, make sure to find one who's unbiased, non-judgmental, warm and friendly. It's overwhelming to take that big step, but remember why you want to seek help: to work through your conflict, move past it, and be a better person overall.

Depression Due to Weight Gain

Thu, 16 Sep 2021 11:28:08 GMT

One of the lesser-known symptoms of depression is weight gain. A study conducted in October 2009 has proven that people suffering from depression and its related disorders gain weight over time which can lead to obesity. However, the relation between the two isn't evident and concise. According to psychiatrist Gregory E. Simon, MD, MPH, obesity and depression are pretty hard to separate: Obesity leads to depression, depression can make you want to eat a lot more and exercise less, and the cycle repeats itself.

Besides depression, obesity is associated with other mental health problems such as anxiety and chronic stress. People with these issues often eat food as a way to cope with issues. Obesity and depression also pose significant risks for other conditions such as chronic pain, sleep apnea, hypertension, heart problems and diabetes.

Depression and obesity are both long-term chronic illnesses. It's important to constantly communicate with your therapist as honesty is a substantial factor in helping your therapists monitor your underlying conditions. In addition, a therapist can help you understand your emotions and accept the changes in your life.

Staying active is also a great way to fight off depression. Exercise boosts your endorphins and gradually helps you lose weight. However, while it's a challenge to get motivated to exercise, it helps take small steps. Ten minutes of simple exercise or one lap of walking around the neighbourhood is a great start.

As therapists, our goal is to adequately address the physical, emotional and psychological effects of obesity and depression. Besides unhealthy eating habits, medications for depression also aid in adding weight. So weight-management therapies are applied to help adjust your weight gained from medicine. Keep in mind that our counsellors can apply several treatment plans that may work for your conditions and needs.

Change takes time, and it's the same with breaking the cycle of obesity and depression. Here at Cooks Hill Counselling, we help you achieve a greater sense of relief and accept your body however you want it to be.

Love Versus Lust

Thu, 16 Sep 2021 11:06:21 GMT

We've seen enough romance films and series that cover the intricacies of love and lust, but this still seems to be a very confusing topic. How do you tell if you're in love or you're only sexually infatuated with someone? It's easy to see the difference on the big screen, but to experience this for ourselves is a different and often conflicting feeling.

Do You Know the Difference?

According to psychiatrist Judith Orloff, here are some significant differences one can spot to identify whether or not you're in love or you're in lust:

Lust is when...

You're attracted to someone's physical features alone

You only want to engage in sex with them

You avoid discussing real feelings with them

You avoid cuddles or any romantic actions after sex

You don't see them as a friend

Love is when...

Your feelings aren't all sexual; there’s intimacy too

You love spending quality time with them, even after sex

You listen to each other's thoughts and feelings

They become your drive and motivation to be a better person

You want to be part of their life, including meeting family and friends

How Can You Identify Your Feelings?

Lust and love are generally easy to differentiate. Lust is when you're excited about someone's physical features, and you have a craving for them. When it's hard not to stop sexually fantasising about them, you probably feel lustful towards them.

On the other hand, love involves emotional support and open communication. With love, you are interested in your partner's life and vice versa and think of your future with them.

Can You Experience Both at the Same Time?

Love and lust aren't mutually exclusive. You can experience love without lust, and you can lust without love. But it's also possible to experience both for the same person. In addition, many different love languages may be mistaken for lust, such as physical contact.

One of the significant signs of love is an emotional and intimate connection that grows over time through shared moments and disclosures. When you feel that they are only seeking physical touch and nothing more, you may be dealing with lust alone.

Is Lust Inferior to Love?

While love has always been seen as a far better feeling than lust, it all depends on our needs. That makes them different; we shouldn’t have to see lust as unacceptable and strange. Both lust and love can make us feel different things: lust can make us feel sexy and desired, love can make us feel beautiful and loved.

Which One Are You Looking For?

Ask these questions to yourself: Are you willing to accept someone to be a part of your life in the long run, or are you only open to a fling or two? How important is sexual fulfilment to you right now? Do you need it, or can it wait?

Remember that it’s okay for you to submit to both love and lust, but it’s essential to set your priorities not to confuse your significant other or yourself later on. Knowing the difference between lust and love - and recognising them separately - can help you develop the right relationships with the right people.

Domestic Violence: How to Get Help

Fri, 02 Jul 2021 08:34:10 GMT

Cooks Hill Counselling recognises domestic violence as a dangerous act and fully supports people affected by it. If you find yourself at immediate risk, please call 000. For counselling services, contact us at 0421 598 486 or message us on Facebook. https://www.facebook.com/pages/Cooks-Hill-Counselling/259206244287245

Domestic violence is a dangerous behaviour that is intended to make you feel threatened and unsafe. The act is correlated to intimate partner violence and can also involve children, teens, parents, or the elderly. Domestic violence mainly involves dangerous physical actions but can come in many other forms: sexual assault, emotional abuse, stalking, controlling, defamation, financial exploitation, and unsolicited online monitoring.

Recognising Domestic Violence

Domestic violence comes in many forms, and it's essential to be educated about it. It may not be easy to identify domestic violence at first, but remember that you are not to blame for the destructive behaviour inflicted on you. Here are some of the following forms of domestic violence:

Physical violence : Any aggressive act that involves any one or more of the following: punching, kicking, choking, pushing, shoving, biting, restraining, slapping, throwing objects, etc.
Sexual assault: The perpetrator performs sexual behaviour intentionally on the victim without consent.
Emotional abuse : The perpetrator constantly insults and humiliates the victim to gain control over him/her. Common forms include bullying, gaslighting, blackmailing and workplace abuse.
Stalking : Stalking occurs when someone repeatedly surveils his/her victim/s, instilling fear and intimidation.

Controlling : Controlling behaviour happens when someone is gaining control over the victim for his/her gain or enjoyment.

Defamation : Intentional verbal abuse that harms a person's self-regard and self-confidence.

Financial Exploitation : When someone manipulates and uses his/her victim's money without permission, stripping the victim of their financial freedom.
Unsolicited online monitoring : When the perpetrator constantly checks on the victim's computer and/or phone without consent, uses apps to track him/her and their movements, and intentionally spreads intimate and private photos and videos across multiple websites without approval.

Break the Cycle of Abuse

The longer you tolerate the abuse, the worse it tolls on you - both physically and mentally. Most of the victims subjected to domestic violence have developed depression, anxiety, and feelings of helplessness.

While it may be hard to talk about the abuse, remember that you are not alone in the fight. No one deserves to be abused by someone else.

Cooks Hill Counselling opens its doors to domestic violence victims and helps you provide your much-needed support: contact us at 0421 598 486 or message us on Facebook. If you require immediate help, please call 000.

Relationship Breakdowns

Mon, 31 May 2021 02:58:50 GMT

When relationship problems arise, take the step to talk things through.

Relationship breakdowns are always tough, no matter if it's for the better or, the worse. You will feel many ups and downs and may question your actions as to why things happened the way they did. You may have times where you blame yourself, and you may feel scared, confused and anxious. Your world's turned a full 360 degrees, and the sudden change can be overwhelming. Breakdowns not only affect your well-being but your social life, your real-life issues, parenting and family problems (if you have children), and financial security as well.

A breakup often happens due to conflicts and constant anger between both parties. Early warning signs include recurring arguments, lesser sexual engagement, and feeling of dissatisfaction and unfulfillment. These behaviours may trigger worse-case scenarios in the relationship, such as a sense of loneliness and misery or physical and mental abuse.

Ultimately, it takes two to tango. When it's only you trying to work the relationship out, the relationship cannot last for long. Breakups are indeed painful, but there are many ways in which you can act upon these negative feelings and thoughts, grieve through them properly, heal at your own pace, and move forward once more.

Common Causes of Relationship Breakdowns

How do you tell when your relationship may be in jeopardy? Here are some clear signs you may potentially experience the end of your relationship and how you can try to prevent it:

Your partner may be cheating on you - Sadly a common problem in many relationships but is one of the most painful to experience. Cheating isn't just limited to physical contact. There are many other forms of cheating , such as emotional manipulation, cyber-cheating and "chexting".
You're not spending enough time with your partner - In this scenario, external factors could be considered, such as work schedules and long distances. However, if you realise that you don't necessarily miss your partner's presence, that can be a significant problem: you don't enjoy each other's company anymore.
Money issues - Even the most well-established couples have trouble when it comes to money matters. Is any one of you spending too much on a hobby? Are you impulsively buying items that aren’t needed? Do you feel pressured because your job versus his or her job pays less? Is your partner using your savings without your knowledge? These problems become worse as they build up.
Relationship with your Children - You and your partner may have a clash of parenting styles, or you’re having a hard time dealing with your children’s temperament. Discovering the problem is complex and may vary depending on the family’s cultural and social influences.
V ices, such as Gambling and Drinking - Gambling can immensely affect you and your family’s financial and emotional well-being. Property loss, economic instability, massive loans, and endless debt are known issues for gamblers and can lead to breaking relationships with their significant other and relationships with families and friends. It is the same with alcohol - its psychological effects greatly influence how couples interact in the relationship and can lead to worse problems in the future.

Talk Things Through

When relationship problems arise, it’s essential to take a step further and talk things through. Transparency is the key; when a proper discussion between you both isn’t enough, a therapist’s perspective and interaction may assist you both to confront the issues and inspire you to be more honest and open to one another. Relationship breakdowns are traumatic to experience and difficult to accept, but don’t forget to prioritise what’s important to both of you.

When Somebody You Love is on Drugs

Wed, 07 Apr 2021 06:44:22 GMT

Exploring the effects of drug addiction and what you can do about it.

It's heartbreaking to think that your loved one may be struggling with drug addiction. This type of situation brings a lot of mixed emotions at once. You may experience feelings of anger, hurt, and you may feel overwhelmed. It's understandable to feel confused and conflicted in situations like this.

But don't fret - recovery is possible, and there are a lot of ways where you can help your loved one get there.

1. Educate yourself about addiction

It's normal to have a range of feelings when you are confronted with addiction. Addiction is a disease and needs ongoing treatment to be resolved. The Internet is filled with medical and scientific information regarding addiction and its forms. Research options and explore treatments that would best fit your loved one's situation.

2. Acknowledge the problem

Addiction is a gradual disease, and it may seem easier for you to overlook the signs of addiction in your loved one rather than face it. But convince yourself that you want to help for your loved one's sake. Don't give up on them. At the right time, engage in a conversation with them about it, without making them uncomfortable. And if it gets more difficult: you may want to include a professional counsellor or therapist in the conversation.

Professionals are trained to navigate difficult conversations between both parties to keep the conversation on track. As well, they’re unbiased and non-judgmental and they will listen to anything and everything.

3. Tough love doesn't work

It’s often said that one needs to hit rock bottom before they can rise again. With this in mind, people don’t often dry out unless they want it for themselves. So it stands to reason that you should not force them into treatment if they're not mentally ready to change. Like previously mentioned, getting into addiction isn't something that your beloved wanted, and it's certainly not easy for them to get out of it too. When you give them the tough treatment and force them into quitting drugs, they might just relapse again. Adjust and find the right moment to talk about it.

4. Set some boundaries

When dealing with a loved one going through addiction, there is a possibility that he or she may become disruptive. Setting boundaries may help you feel more secure, and at the same time, will hopefully make him or her give rehab or other treatments a second thought. Examples of some common limits you may want to consider are: 1) Don't drink or use around you; 2) Come home before a certain time frame; 3) Don't help them in times of legal or financial trouble. This way they will feel more responsible for their actions and they may have more reasons to change.

5. Take care of yourself
Dealing with a loved one going through any type of addiction takes a serious toll on your physical, mental and emotional well-being. While this may seem selfish from another person's point of view, there is one prominent life mantra that holds true: You cannot love others if you do not love yourself first . Exercise, eat healthily, enjoy the outdoors, meditate, and have fun. Give yourself some slack. When you feel good about yourself, you will feel much more once you help out your loved ones and others.

What is an 'intervention'?

Wed, 31 Mar 2021 03:53:41 GMT

Defining Intervention in Counseling

What is an 'intervention'?

Intervention in counselling involves a group of friends or family members arranging professional help for another experiencing a situation. The intervention happens when one suffers from drug addiction, alcoholism, compulsive gambling, eating disorders, self-harm, abuse. Often, the person denies or might not recognise the extent of their problems and behaviours.

In an intervention, concerned friends and family members have a chance to reveal their true feelings about the problems with a therapist’s help. Intervention counselling works best when everyone is on the same page.

How to Start Intervention Counseling

Before beginning the session, the group must understand the intervention's aim - to help heal trauma. They will need to open up to each other about their feelings towards the person involved and prepare for what could happen for the session's duration.

Having a mediator with you is essential to help you guide the event, and they may give their perspectives if required. One great technique that most therapists request from the group is to write a letter to the subject about their feelings and concerns. The method includes how, in their point-of-view, the traumatic experience affects the subject's life. The therapist handles the disagreements, then gives everyone a chance to share their concerns further.

It can be difficult for the subject to participate in the mediation. The participant may get angry, conflicted, confused, or may even become violent in the beginning. It's is essential to never respond in the same manner. As part of the group, getting into an intervention requires excellent empathy towards the subject.

However, when you are the subject, get into that mindset that the intervention is for your sake and it is a small step towards your recovery. Feelings of anger and the attitude of unwillingness will not get you anywhere. As the subject, you need to be prepared to make changes to your life. Otherwise, the sessions will be all for naught.

Interventions are Only the Beginning

By participating in an intervention counselling session, the subject and the group must accept that help is needed. They understand the significance of the need to change and the weight of the subject's actions and behaviours, and what should be adjusted.

As part of the group, you must become the robust support system the subject needs to prevent him/her from relapsing or resorting to adverse acts.

As the subject, you must be willing to participate and be open to advise and feedback from your group and your therapist. The goal is to slowly get yourself back together by reinforcing positivity into your life and change for the better.

When you need intervention counselling in the Newcastle area, Cooks Hill Counseling is available. Please book an appointment in advance via telephone at 0421 598 486, or visit our Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/pages/Cooks-Hill-Counselling/259206244287245 for more information.

What are Red Flags and why Should we Take Notice?

Thu, 11 Feb 2021 03:14:28 GMT

Look for the signs.

No relationship is perfect. Some of our romantic encounters may be more difficult than others, and this is because everybody comes with a history. When the beginnings of a new relationship engulf us, we may be more inclined to overlook some things. However, as time passes, we begin to notice these ‘ red flags ’

What are Red Flags in a Relationship?

Red flags are situations where things don’t feel quite right. Things like conversations, actions which are clues to the nature of the person. These may be things such as how the person reacts to extreme stress, how they act in volatile situations or when confronted. These signs may give you an indication about how this person may be as a partner in a serious relationship. It's always good to talk these things out to make sure you aren't missing anything.

They Don’t Trust Anybody - Doing due diligence before you trust somebody is one thing, but some people have an absolute distrust of every person they encounter. This may be problematic down the track, especially if their habits start rubbing off on you.

Sex drive levels are different - If your partner has a lower sex drive than you, it can be problematic in the relationship. It's important both parties are in the same mood, otherwise it can bring in a tonne of emotional stress and animosity.

They invade your personal space - Everybody needs time alone and personal space. When you tell your partner you need space and he/she still persists, that may be a red flag. If your partner doesn't respect your boundaries and you let him/her push further, it may cause trouble in the future.

They rush the relationship too fast - Some people move super fast after they meet somebody new. Those couples that go from zero, to engaged in a matter of days or weeks. That in itself is already a red flag. Lovebombing is often involved in this type of relationship problem.

They prevent you from engaging in your social relationships - It's a serious red flag when your partner tries to separate you from your friends and family. This type of separation indicates that they want to isolate you and want you all for themselves.

They give you the eye roll all the time - If he/she rolls his/her eyes at you often, it could be a sign that things are on a downward spiral. Body language is a big factor in establishing a strong relationship. Statistics indicate that eye rolling is often a predecessor to relationship breakdown.

"My exes were all crazy" - We've had bad relationships here and there, we've made mistakes. But if your partner claims all his/her relationships failed because "they were bad" or "they acted crazy", we don't think the exes are the problem.

They curse at you when you argue - It's completely normal to have disagreements in a relationship; we're not all the same. But if your partner starts calling you names or curses at you in an abusive tone, that's an immediate red flag.

They're unmotivated, period - If your partner doesn't quite have his/her life sorted out, find out if he/she is actually aware of that situation and if he/she wants to do something about it. If he/she does, that's great. It means your partner wants to build the life they actually want for themselves. If not, step away. You cannot spoon feed someone forever. Attitude makes all the difference.

They have a lack of respect towards their parents - Some people consider this a huge red flag. How a person treats their parents is a pretty good indicator of their thoughts on family. We know that not all parents are perfect and this should be taken into consideration when interpreting this red flag.

Mood Swings - One minute they are sweet as sugar, the next you are being accused of all manner of things. You never know from one minute to the next where you stand. These relationships are exhausting.

Sleep Schedule Issues - Shift work can really mess with a relationship. If you're a daytime kind of person and your partner's nocturnal, you're going to run into so many problems in your social life, career and even in romantic time.

They tend to hide the little things - If they lie about little things, chances are they may also be lying about the bigger things. Keep this in mind when you notice small things being lied about.

They cheated on their last relationship with you - Big, big red flag.

They want your passwords - Why would somebody want your passwords? Possibly to monitor your private messages and emails. You are 100% entitled to your own privacy and security.

They guilt-trip you all the time - They make you feel you may be at fault, even though you might not be. They often twist stories around and make you the bad guy.

Clashing ideas and habits about money - It's important both of you are willing to talk about finances and money in general, as we all grew up with different views about it. Find ways to compromise; don't make money the reason you'll both fall apart.
They make you feel dumb - And you know you aren't. That's unacceptable and it's NEVER healthy.

They don't tell the world you're together - This might just be the biggest red flag yet. If your partner's hiding your relationship from others, there's definitely something going on that he/she doesn't want to let you know.

They need to be reassured all the time - If insecurity dictates one's life, it can dictate a relationship as well.

They have a different view on faithfulness - If your partner thinks it's okay to hook up with someone else or flirt via texts then you may be in for trouble.

Red Flags are Warnings

Sometimes these flags are warnings that the road ahead may be toxic for you and your relationship.

Some people sweep them under the rug, or take it as a joke, and some red flags are well hidden and are missed completely. People who are too dependent and or might not be that confident in themselves tend to have a harder time stepping away from a red flag.

You are worthy of love and deserve someone who truly loves you with no judgment. If you want to talk about red flags, however, call a counsellor and have them help you sort things out. Cooks Hill Counselling helps couples communicate better and fight fair, and provides you with strategies to improve relationships more productively. Call us at 0421 598 486 or send us an email at cookshill@optusnet.com.au

10 Common Problems Couples Encounter After Moving in Together

Wed, 20 Jan 2021 08:36:22 GMT

Thinking of moving in together? Here's what you need to know

Sharing a home with your loved one takes a lot of commitment and agreement between you both - it's not always happily-ever-after. If you are considering moving in together, think about the benefits and repercussions and weigh them in before actually taking that huge step. You may not know it, but living together may actually be harder than it looks

In this blog we talk about the 10 most common problems couples experience living together, and what you can do about it.

1. Living Together Makes it More Difficult to Separate Ways

Choosing to move in together is normally decided because you and your partner are both confident and comfortable enough in each other's judgments and space. But did you know living together can have a multitude of effects?

It's been proven that while moving together increases the chances of staying together , it doesn't increase how devoted you are towards each other. As a matter of fact, it can add stress to the relationship as you take on extra responsibilities. As your finances become more intermingled, it can become more difficult to separate. There rises the other problem - if you and your partner decide to end your relationship, it's not easy because you're under one roof and it may take a little while to dissolve your shared financial obligations

Remember that both you and your partner have your own views and habits, and it's important both parties accept and establish limits in a way that doesn't make a possible breakup in the future messy. You want to break up because of actual reasons, not because it's a hassle to move stuff around.

2. Living Together can Affect Communication - In a Bad Way

Studies show that living together often creates more conflict than dating or being married. When a couple is living together, they're caught up in the middle - they face common couple issues as would a dating couple have (such as time, friends, jealousy, commitment), and at the same time, face common problems married couples experience (such as bills, in-laws, children, etc).

Living with your partner can affect how you respond to seemingly larger relationship issues than when you weren't living together - sometimes in a negative way. Because you're under one roof, a choice you might make is to just keep grievances to yourself and bring it to the table some other time. However, as these concerns accumulate, it increases the discord and disruption in the relationship, and may bubble to the surface during an argument. These situations can sometimes blow out of control easily because of unvoiced grievances from the past.

In any cohabiting relationship, it's crucial that you and your partner learn to listen and take on board constructive criticism. Living together sounds easy, but it can be challenging - especially in the long run - so good communication must be practiced in order to lessen the stress.

3. Living Together Creates a Break-Up Mentality

"What if this doesn't work out after all?", you ask yourself in the back of your mind, as you decide how to split the furniture, the finances, and even the pets in the event of a bad breakup. That kind of mentality shouldn't ever even exist in the first place when you're thinking of living together, and yet it creeps in. It makes it harder to fully commit later on because the "what ifs" become a habit.

When deciding to live together, learn to let go of the "what ifs" - and maybe even talk them out with your partner - and affirm yourselves into making the relationship work. Being committed to a relationship is learning from experiences together, not crippling it.

4. Living Together Influences Compatibility

Moving in with your partner means you've considered him/her to be your partner for life, but don't make it an approach to measure your compatibility. You have to know it between the both of you that you're compatible already, and you're more than ready to face the world together.

If you're considering marrying your partner, try engaging in activities together to get a feel for what it's like to face challenges together, and see how you both fare from there. Take a short trip, try a new hobby together, do babysitting together once in a while.

5. Living Together Means Adjusting Finances

Living together entails shared finances. Together, you'll pay for your rent/mortgage, your utility bills, groceries and other expenses. But as the saying goes, "Money is the Root of All Evil", and disagreements with expenses can backlash your living state immensely.

Before deciding to live together, make sure you've discussed how you'll be handling your shared expenses. Have an honest discussion about money so you are both on the same page. Compromise is key to every relationship, even when it comes to money.

6. Living Together May Accumulate Petty Arguments

"Why can't he just do his own laundry?"

"Why am I supposed to clean her mess myself?"

These are petty, to be honest. But once they pile up, they take a serious toll in the relationship. These small things can cause resentment, and sometimes you might even regret living with your partner in the first place. Arguments about chores and other small matters can feel like the relationship is imbalanced and unfair.

The best solution? Compromise. Like we always say, compromise is key. Clear, open and honest communication between both parties solve even the most little of matters in the household. Create schedules, designate specific tasks to one another, and find solutions that work for the both of you.

7. Living Together Can Reduce Alone Time

Living together affects each other's lifestyles, and it may require you both to adjust how you go about your day-to-day life. From seeing each other once, twice a week to literally waking up beside him/her can be a bit overwhelming.

If you and your partner don't have the same habits with alone time, address it as early as you can. Talk about your boundaries, and don't be afraid to let your partner seek for your attention when he/she needs to, but within the set boundaries .

8. Living Together Might Cause Problems with Sex

When you used to meet with your partner once in a while, the sexual tension is intense. But seeing him/her everyday may lessen that urge and may cause issues with your sexual intimacy. If you're the type who wants to have sex frequently, but your partner isn't so up to that idea, it can lead to feelings of resentment and big arguments. Also, seeing your partner perform mundane domestic tasks can sometimes zap the attraction from your relationship.

Like how we advise resolving the other issues stated, the best way to fix this is to be honest about it. Talk about your sexual wants, needs, and even fears. Work out a routine that will be satisfactory for the both of you.

9. Living Together Could Make You Feel Irritated

In any relationship, your partner's silliness may seem more cute than annoying. But when you see that silliness everyday of your life? It may actually become annoying.

Living together means you have to experience reality - in this case, the reality of your partner's idiosyncrasies. If you feel he/she is doing it too much or is overboard with it, speak up about it in a respectful manner. Tell him/her about the habit/s that bother you, and suggest new solutions to live with your partner in peace without necessarily doing a 180-degree change in your partner's personality.

10. Living Together Doesn't Mean Letting Go of Everyone and Everything Else

Your non-romantic relationships are just as important as your relationship with your partner. Living under one roof doesn't always equate to separating from everyone else. Maintaining a good lifestyle with your partner is maintaining your connections with your family and friends, too.

Spend a few minutes talking to your parents, or go out on a coffee date with friends. You'll be in a much better position to handle whatever issues you'll face without stressing your partner too much by having another outlet to express your feelings to.

Living with your Partner is a Whole New Level of Intimacy.

Whether you’ve already decided to move in with your partner, or you’re already living with him/her, make sure you’ve both prepared yourselves for these issues (and possibly more) to come.

If you’re still having trouble communicating and compromising with your partner, it’s best to seek advice from a professional counsellor. Cooks Hill Counselling offers an open space for couples who are dealing with modern life issues and more. Our lines are open Mondays to Saturdays, 9AM to 5PM. Call us now at 0421 598 486 and let us help you lead to a happier life with your loved one.

What to Expect from Marriage Counselling Sessions

Wed, 23 Dec 2020 05:14:31 GMT

Everything you wanted to know about relationship counselling in Newcastle

Marriage counselling sometimes has a stigma and some consider it a last resort to fix marriage problems. However, it isn't as bad as you think it is. As early as the first year of your marriage, it's a great idea to seek marriage counselling, whether or not you are doing well as a couple. But how do you exactly prepare for it?

The first step is making sure you and your spouse understand its purpose and know what you want to achieve in your counselling. Whether you're seeking help in resolving your issues, or want to improve your already amazing relationship, both parties have to be on the same page. Know that there's truly no harm in seeking help, and counselling may possibly be the best investment you'll ever make in your married life.

The second step is finding the right counsellor. Every counsellor's expertise and style is different, so it's important to find the best one that fits your specific needs. One of the best ways is to ask family members and friends for recommendations. Another way is to search online for counsellors in your area. Read reviews, feedbacks and testimonials, and decide from there. In the Newcastle area, Cooks Hill Counselling is the most prominent. Multiple people have benefitted from David Bulbert and Monica Bound's compassionate and non-judgmental approach to marriage issues and improvement. Talking to the right marriage counsellor gives you an opportunity to be open and honest about your feelings. Counsellors respect your privacy.

The third step is putting yourselves in this mindset that it's okay to talk to a stranger about your married life. Marriage counselling can sometimes make participants experience awkwardness and anxiety of having to open up to someone you don't know. But once you feel you are in a safe space, sharing your feelings becomes easier. You may feel nervous and apprehensive at first, and that's completely normal. Having a complete stranger with unbiased opinions listen and give you advice can actually make you feel better about yourselves and help you communicate with your partner better in the long run.

Lastly, be open to change, and don't be afraid to let your walls down. Go out of your comfort zone, and remember that marriage counselling is a helpful resource for your marriage's growth. Be patient with the experience, with yourself and with your partner. Know that marriage counselling helps build your foundation stronger, and helps strengthen your commitment and can be an important piece of rebuilding your marriage. It helps to not only release negative energy between both partners, but to help understand internal issues and effectively resolve them together.

Is Tension in a Relationship Okay?

Thu, 29 Oct 2020 02:50:17 GMT

No relationship is perfect, but how can tension affect your marriage?

Love has been portrayed a little too perfectly nowadays, thanks to social media. You've probably seen it with your own eyes - couples who always look perfect together in photos, overly-designed rooms with heart-shaped balloons, etc. - and maybe once thought to yourself, "How can I have a perfect relationship like theirs?"

But behind closed doors, your ideal, perfect image of a relationship isn't what you really think. They fight, too. They disagree on things. They get angry at each other. In fact, tension between lovers wasn't seen as anything extraordinary in the past.

These days however, because of how love is portrayed on social media, we may think that real love equals no problems. Some people don't accept that tension is part of true love. They like to stay in their fantasy of a perfectly-balanced relationship, a constant "happy-ever-after". If you have this mindset, then you may be disappointed when it comes down to the nitty gritty of having a relationship.

What causes relationship tension?

Expectations, ideals, and disappointments.

In the beginning, you normally have expectations from your partner, and maybe so does he/she. To be specific, your expectations are the romantic kind. You expect to be loved in the way you want to be loved. You have goals when you begin a new relationship and want to center your relationship around your needs and vice versa.

Being in a relationship is understanding that over time, things will happen, especially big and messy mistakes. And of course it can make you upset and angry. But the best way to get through that is give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Sit down and listen to what your partner has to say. Don't over-talk. Acknowledge the little tensions, don't over analyse, and learn from past mistakes.

A relationship isn't just based on affection alone. It's also based on how you handle the bumps in the road. These conflicts - big and small can make you stronger and more resilient. Face them with respect and you'll end up smiling at the end of the day.

Problems are part of true love. Love accepts the flaws and balances them out. The real kind of love forgives these little disappointments, sets aside the ideals and doesn't expect too much. Everything falls into place eventually. Affection is stronger than disappointment, after all.

When’s the right time to stay quiet?

Thu, 24 Sep 2020 05:54:10 GMT

"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." - Mark Twain

Most people don't understand the subtle art of keeping quiet and paying attention to what the other person is saying. Many people are just waiting to start talking. Mark Twain spoke some wise words. Have you ever regretted something that you said? Or has there ever been a time where you should have spoken up, but in the heat of the moment, you didn't? If you feel like you’ve been careless and unsure with the words you say, it’s time to start learning when it's the right time to speak up, and when it’s a good idea to stay silent to avoid unnecessary conflict .

Staying silent can be just as powerful as talking. Sometimes saying nothing can show more of your character than speaking about your grievances. With the internet and social media, more and more people are speaking on subjects that they have no expertise in.

Here are a few tips when it’s best to stay quiet

Don’t gossip , especially when you don’t know the facts. Don’t engage and get yourself wrapped up in false statements and in stories you aren’t sure of. Avoid unnecessary comments and speak up only when you are certain about it. Otherwise, stay silent and listen.

Keep your love life to yourself. Think about what your partner would feel if you would be asked very personal or intimate questions. Your partner would probably feel just as uncomfortable and awkward as you would in that situation. You wouldn’t even want to talk about it; it’s private. Respect your relationship by avoiding personal questions asked by random people. Open up and share your personal problems only to people you trust 100%.

When someone makes a mistake, address it once. Once you have addressed the situation, let it lie. They probably already know they did wrong; there’s no need to remind them again and again.

Don’t brag. All of us excel at some sort of talent or skill, but it isn’t necessary to bang on about it to every single person. You will sound boastful, irritating and you’ll lose everyone’s focus, and you may become the butt of peoples jokes. There are plenty of other opportunities for you to talk about what you’re good at when the conversation calls for it, so save that thought for later.

When you don’t know what they’re talking about, listen and learn. Maybe even tell them you aren’t familiar with the topic. While it might hurt your ego, telling them you’re unaware can sometimes appeal positively to others, as it means you’re curious about the topic discussed. Listening about something you don’t know is way better than trying to sound as if you know it.

Give them time to say their piece, and then have your turn . Arguments often end up with both sides saying words to each other simultaneously, and then saying regretful things later. Calm down, take a deep breath, and think about what you’re going to say. Whether you’re right or wrong, you want to get your message across without making it sound hurtful, and you want him/her to properly understand what you’re trying to say, and vice versa.

Gaslighting - What you need to know

Wed, 26 Aug 2020 00:26:34 GMT

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where a person is psychologically manipulated by someone else or by a group of people. The term is used a lot to describe partners and is commonly used in domestic abuse situations.

Gaslighting can make the victim unable to think clearly, making them question the validity of their own thoughts, memories, events around them, and their sanity. It occurs in interpersonal relationships, in the workplace, and most commonly in a romantic relationship between a couple. It usually happens over time and can have catastrophic consequences for the victim.

Where did the name come from?

The origin of the term ‘gaslighting’ came from a 1938 play and its subsequent movie adaptations called ‘Gas Light’. The husband manipulates the wife into thinking she’s the one misplacing things around the house. He also tells her that the occasional dimming of the gas lights around the house is just her imagination, when in reality he secretly turns them on to search for valuables.

Gaslighting as a behavior was first noted in a clinical report in 1969. People were sent to a mental hospital through an elaborate strategy to make them seem like they’re mentally ill.

Gaslighting involves a desire to gain influence over someone and keep them under their control. The idea is to make the victim ignore facts, change their judgment, and force them to believe the abuser’s narrative.

Signs of Gaslighting

Some situations that abusers put their victims in are:

They insult their victims very often, then tell them it was a joke (or they lie about it) when confronted

When confronted with their actions, they pretend to be innocent and play the victim

They will make you feel like everything is your fault, even if it’s not

They will always justify their actions and think that they’re always right

They control how you live your life and they can live however they want

They shift the blame to you, accuse you of what they are doing to you

They will never apologise for the things they did and will do to you

They want you to fail, and are good at pretending they want you to succeed

They don’t want you to enjoy the things you love; they want you to be weak

They isolate you from friends, family, and others

Find Support

Stopping gaslighting isn’t easy, but you can first start by recognising you’re the victim in the relationship. Pay careful attention to your own experience and never surrender yourself to the abuser’s control. If you are doubting yourself, ask for someone else’s opinion to give yourself a little more validation. A second opinion of the situation may help you evaluate your own behaviours as well as others’ which may bring clarity to the situation.

It takes experience and confidence to recognise gaslighting and to speak out about it. When you feel stuck in the cycle of abuse, it’s best to seek a therapist or a counsellor’s help. Give Cooks Hill Counselling a call today on 0421 598 486. We are here to listen and help you find a solution. You may also email us at cookshill@optusnet.com.au .

Dealing With The Shock of The New Normal

Fri, 26 Jun 2020 02:52:48 GMT

When it comes to perpetuating life-altering changes, Coronavirus has really taken the cake.

It isn’t just one or two countries. All around the globe, the way that people live their lives has taken on a new look. Some of us are just going through the motions, some of us are making the best of it, and some of us simply aren’t coping with it. In this article, we will discuss how this impacts all of us.

People Are Dividing

Now that we have all spent months in quarantine and are well and truly aware that things aren’t going back to normal overnight, it’s getting tense. Many of us are simply trying to get by, doing what we can to bring back normal when the timing is right. Others are taking it very personally, sometimes questioning why the world has to be so out of sorts. Right now, there is a split between people who are taking every precaution and people who are absolutely over it. Neither side is happy, and no one is really sure what that means.

We Need to Adapt

A lot of the changes that we are facing here are pretty big. Many of us are wondering what comes next. Some people see a need to wear masks and revolt while others see a need to wear masks and turn it into a fun fashion opportunity. The fact is that things are changing, and we all need to get on board with that. It isn’t fun for anyone, but it is what we have to do to crawl back towards normal at a safe pace.

People Aren’t Happy

Whether you’re for the changes or against them, the fact remains that people aren’t happy. No one wants to spend time stuck indoors. Most of us would prefer to be able to visit our favorite restaurants day or night, or to be able to go outside without a mask. We want to see our friends and family. We are all mourning different kinds of loss and living through these hard times. Some of us are scared, others are frustrated. It’s a big change, and that is why it is more important than ever for us to treat each other well.

COVID-19 Is Reshaping Our World

COVID-19 is reshaping the world and it isn’t easy for any of us. As the world continues to change and we all adapt to these changes, it is important to remember that it is so much bigger than us. Practice self-love and spread kindness.

We all need to keep our minds and hearts open and treat each other well. 2020 has been a difficult year, but it is one where we can all come out stronger and more united. Use this as an opportunity to rise up and help the people around you. Be patient with yourself and with everyone else. You don’t need to be happy about it, you just need to play your part.

Dealing with Isolation during COVID-19

Tue, 21 Apr 2020 06:45:56 GMT

Staying IndoorsWhen it’s a Beautiful Day Outside

The sun is shining, the weather is perfect, and the beaches are looking more enticing than ever. However, you’re forced to stay home. Are you feeling a bit miffed as well? It’s completely understandable. We are currently in an unprecedented time. Therefore, trying to cope with everything going on while being stuck inside your home can be very difficult. If you’ve been working from home, homeschooling your kids, or you’re just stuck inside without much to do, it can be hard to convince yourself not to go out. This may end up making the current situation all the more challenging. That’s why here we’re going to discuss dealing with isolation, especially when it’s a beautiful day outside.

How are you Dealing with Isolation?

How are you feeling right now? Have you been talking to anyone about it? Often times, we get stuck in a routine and forget to check in with ourselves. This can especially occur when there is an abrupt change in your life, such as suddenly working from home and/or becoming a teacher as well. While this can be especially hard for extroverted people who enjoy socialising often, it can still be challenging for introverted people who struggle to reach out. That’s why when the weather is as beautiful as it has been lately, it can be difficult to stay inside. However, it’s important now more than ever.

In order for us to stay safe, healthy, and prevent the spread of disease, it’s imperative we stay home and don’t go outside. Even though you may think it’s safe because not many other people are out right now, that is simply not a guarantee. Plus, the exact way it’s spread and how long it lives on various surfaces hasn’t been determined yet. For the health of you and your loved ones, staying home is always going to be the best option right now.

It May Be Beautiful Outside But…

While the weather is incredible and the beaches and bushlands are calling, there will always be time for that when this is all over. Instead, focus on activities you can do indoors. When you do have free time, try watching a movie, learning a new hobby, or revisiting an old one. If you have children that are getting antsy, try to explain to them that we must stay inside right now to make sure we stay healthy. Once we’re sure everyone will be safe and healthy, we can go outside and start to go back to school again. Be honest with them but keep things simple and assure them that this is only temporary. Encourage creative activities that allow both you and them to express how you’re feeling. For example, painting, colouring, drawing, and writing are all great choices.

If you have already tried a lot of these ideas and you’re still struggling, that’s okay. We’re currently dealing with a very difficult time. If you need to vent to someone, talk about how you’re feeling, or need assistance coping with all of this, speaking with a counsellor is a great idea. Both phone and Skype counselling are available if you need them. We’re here to help when you need us.

Couple Arguments: How to Keep It Healthy and Loving

Fri, 13 Dec 2019 07:26:14 GMT

Couples argue, that’s a fact of life. It’s what happens when two individuals with different ways of thinking and of doing things come together and join their lives.

Things aren't always going to run smoothly and all couples have arguments from time to time, but what’s important is that you know how to argue in a healthy and loving manner .

This is what will determine whether or not a relationship will last. Why? Because if you go into an argument with a desire to hurt or attack the other person’s character, you’re doing it wrong and eventually you might not be able to recover from that.

Not Every Disagreement Needs to Become a Fight

Arguments should be about expressing your feelings, finding common ground and solving an issue. Sometimes there are things you’ll need to discuss and things may become heated, but more often than not, a healthy discussion is more than enough.

For healthy discussion to happen, you need to learn that not every disagreement needs to become a fight. Ask yourself if you can let it go or talk about it calmly before it turns into something bigger. Choose your fights; you may be able to resolve the situation without resorting to a fight.

If you are Unhappy, Speak Up.

If you’re unhappy about something, it’s important that you speak up. It doesn’t matter how difficult the conversation may be, you need to do it. Otherwise, you’ll bottle up your emotions and they will come out in unhealthy ways, such as bickering, unidentified anger, etc., and it can often lead to a fight.

When you’re in the middle of a fight, its very unpleasant and most couples want to come to an understanding so the fight can end. People often find that once they are in the thick of an argument, there’s often no easy way to end it, so many people simply work their way through it. Fights are almost always based on core issues which can manifest themselves as small things, and they are often the very things that both of you have been avoiding. In that sense, they can be productive because it means you’re finally discussing something important. However, some arguments might have been avoided if couples speak up about your thoughts and emotions before it becomes a full on fight.

Unaddressed topics can easily become bigger issues in the future. Ongoing, open communication is the key to avoiding unhealthy, unproductive fights where you say things you don’t mean and may come to regret. If you’re too caught up in the heat of the moment and you realise things are getting out of hand, the best thing you can do is stop speaking and take a break. Admit that you’re making things worse, pause, and work from there.

Put Yourself in their Shoes

Putting yourself in each other’s shoes is a great method for remembering that you’re in the same team. It’s important to keep in mind that you’re not the only one going through something or having feelings and thoughts about something. You’re with someone who’s coming from a different perspective and a different set of experiences. Putting yourself in their shoes for a moment can be of great help.

However, it’s also important to understand that your partner is the only person who can truly explain where they’re coming from. This is where it’s important to listen and to pay attention to what they are saying to you. Keep your mind open to what they’re bringing to the argument and truly listen to them. Don’t automatically assume you’re coming from the same place, because that’s just not how it works. Be able to explain where you’re coming from, but also give your partner the opportunity to do the same.

Shift the Dynamic of the Argument

There are many ways you can shift the dynamic when you notice an argument is going off the rails. One of the most effective ones is asking this simple question: “What is it you need from me?” This one question will change the vicious cycle many couples get stuck on during an argument.

That vicious cycle is when you get stuck trying to explain your point of view to your partner but it just doesn’t come across, so you try a different way and it appears as if you keep changing your argument. When you can’t find mutual understanding, asking this simple question will give you both time to stop, interrupt the pattern you were on, and shift the dynamic by expressing what you want from each other in a clear and concise way. When you can express each other’s desires and hopes, you can find common ground a lot more easier. Compromise where you can, and where you can’t, find a way to make it work. But you can’t do that, if you let the argument go on aimlessly.

Don’t Forget, You Love Each Other

When you’re stuck in an argument, all you see is your frustration, anger, and the issues in front of you. In this sense, it’s easy to allow the love you have for each other to go on the back-burner while you go through the process of arguing. Keep your love for each other top of mind.

Remember that next time you’re in an argument that has taken a wrong turn, it's important to remember who you are, what you have and pay attention to what comes out of your mouth.

If you learn to argue from a place of love and mutual understanding, they don’t have to be a source of stress or frustration.

Overcoming Lack of Motivation

Tue, 08 Oct 2019 00:30:04 GMT

Feeling Less Motivated? What You Should Know About Lack of Motivation

Where is my Motivation?

Motivation is one of the key drivers in our everyday life. However, it doesn’t matter who you are or what you do, you will experience a lack of it at times. It’s normal to feel like you don’t want to do anything, but it’s important to recognize this as a symptom. And it’s something you can overcome!

A lack of motivation expresses itself in a tendency to procrastinate our tasks. We put things off all the time and we do this continuously, so eventually we give up everything and we do nothing. This means our projects and our goals are compromised; we don’t achieve them and we feel even more demotivated because of it.

If you’re here reading this, it’s because you’ve hit the demotivation wall and you wish to understand what took you there. So, without further ado, let’s discuss some of the reasons why this happens and what you can do to avoid it in the future!

Goal-Setting

One of the main reasons we might feel demotivated is because we haven’t set up goals for ourselves. If you’re not aiming for something, then you won’t know what to do. If you don’t know where you want to go and how far, you won’t have direction and you won’t be able to move. To find motivation, you need to figure out what you want to do and what you want to achieve.

Your goals should be determined by your desires and fuelled by your passions. They should also be achievable, otherwise you’ll get discouraged very quickly. Set your goals realistically and do it in stages. For example, if your goals is to lose weight, begin by working out every day for half an hour, and gradually increase your workout time. You can do the same with other goals; just think of the finish line and break it off into small achievements you can handle over time. Practice healthy self talk as this may assist you in your goal.

Having clear goals will allow you to live your life with purpose and determination. If you find that your goals don’t motivate or drive you, then you’ve set the wrong goals for yourself. It takes introspection to know what you want to do in life, but it also takes trial and error. If something’s not working, don’t get stuck. Move on and try something new.

Supportive Environment

Most people don’t realise that their surroundings hugely affect their mood and the way they function. This means that you must create a supportive environment for yourself if you want to achieve your goals and stay motivated. If you hang out with successful people, people who are living their best life and who love to learn and try new things, then you’ll want to be a part of that.

Your environment can work as an energy booster, so you need to make sure you choose your inner circle carefully and you surround yourself with people who inspire you. It’s not about competing with anyone, it’s about being with like-minded people who are supportive and positive.

If you’re surrounded by negative or toxic people who are always putting others down and don’t do anything of value, you’ll be influenced by that. If your inner circle destroys your spirit and are overly critical of everything you do, you won’t flourish. You will be dragged down.

Feeling of Not Doing Enough

One of the many symptoms of demotivation is feeling like you never do enough. Funnily enough, this feeling is what drives you to do nothing. If you feel like nothing you ever do is enough, then you’ll just want to throw in the towel. By pushing yourself to doing the opposite, you’ll feel a thousand times better.

A common example is deciding to stay home instead of getting there to do the things you had planned. Sometimes we need to take a mental health day and just stare at the TV or relax in other ways, but this can be a slippery slope if it’s happening more often.

Maybe you binge-watched your favourite show all day again and you didn’t do anything to further any of your goals, no matter how small. How do you usually feel after that? You usually feel tired instead of relaxed. That’s because you did it for the wrong reasons. The moment you decide to do something relaxing just to escape your responsibilities with yourself and others, you’re doing yourself a disservice.

Try doing the opposite! If you feel demotivated, don’t stay home doing nothing. Try getting started on something and you’ll find you actually enjoy it. This will motivate you to continue with another task, and once you start, you’ll notice it’s easy to keep going until you’ve had a productive, fun day.

Depression

Depression is infamous for causing a severe lack of motivation and energy to do anything, even get out of bed in the morning in the case of severe depression. But even mild depression can cause a person to struggle with anything that requires them to move. Normal everyday tasks become a burden and more important tasks may become close to impossible.

If you’re dealing with depression, the best thing you can do for yourself is to seek professional help. That should always be the first step. The next step is to try to prioritise the things you need to get done. If you have a limited amount of energy, then you must learn how to apply it to the things that truly matter. Most importantly try to keep yourself motivated by celebrating all your successes, no matter how small.

You’re Putting Too Much on Your Plate

The main thing you need to remember is that success is a marathon, not a sprint. If you put way too much on your plate and you don’t take care of yourself, you may set yourself up to fail. It’s awesome to be ambitious. In fact, that’s a great motivator. However, remember that your goals must be realistic and achievable or you may allow yourself to give up too easily.

If you do too much at once, you may become be easily overwhelmed and burn out can be dangerous for your health. If you put too much on your plate and over-saturate yourself, you may not be able to work to the best of your ability, which can be counterproductive. Take your time and think of the bigger picture!

Intimacy & Relationships after a Baby

Wed, 17 Jul 2019 06:59:02 GMT

Relationship & Intimacy Issues Couples Face after a Baby

Not enough hours in the day, limping along financially and little to no sex. It sounds like a recipe for disaster, but in reality, it’s what happens to most couples when you have your first child. Of course, many wonderful things also happen during this time, but it’s no secret the relationship between you and your partner will suffer.

Becoming a parent takes an emotional toll on everybody and it completely changes every aspect of your life. Bringing a person to the world and taking care of them is a huge challenge and responsibility, which is ongoing whether you are ready or not.

To add to that, there’s no user manual you can read to figure out how to take care of baby, and this really hits home especially if it’s your first child. Nothing prepares you for caring for a newborn and bringing up a child. Most of it you pick things up on the job, so there’s a learning curve, and it’s not for the faint of heart.

Adjusting Expectations

Some couples will have certain expectations about what having a newborn is like. Perhaps it might be based on some reality shows where people seem to effortlessly integrate a newborn into their stylish lives.

The reality for most of us is a far cry from anything remotely glamorous. If you are expecting to be straight back into your life before baby, you might get a shock. But don’t lose heart because there are things we can prepare for simply by slightly adjusting our expectations.

Financial Stress

Some people can experience some stress due to finances during this time. Something we need to realise as new parents is that the bills will keep coming in, and if you have had a significant drop in income, they can add up fast.

For example, if you’re a two-income family, you need to know that having a baby will have an impact because it means someone will have to sacrifice work. Or at least what used to be full-time, may in fact become a part-time position. It’s necessary to prepare and to adjust your lifestyle if that’s the case, at least until you can go back to your routine.

Loss of Intimacy

The second thing that can affect your relationship when you have a baby is that there’s an important loss of intimacy. This can happen gradually as your pregnancy goes along because being intimate can be uncomfortable, painful or you simply don’t feel up to it. There may also be medical reasons why intimacy is not possible.

Abstinence can extend further once the baby comes and the woman’s body needs to heal from the trauma of birth.

Adjusting to Lifestyle Changes

Adjusting to your new circumstances may take a toll on your relationship. This can be affected by how quickly you adjust and respond to your newborn baby. Men and women travel this path in different ways and it’s important to understand that we all have different processes and ways of coping.

In some cases, if there’s a lack of understanding, it can lead to conflict. Maintaining a marriage after such a big change takes conscious effort and a bit of time, which is something you won’t have a lot of with a newborn.

Sharing the Household Responsibilities

When a little baby comes along things tend to escalate. Chores will often double, and there will often be new types of chores associated with the baby. Figuring out the best way to complete these chores can often cause tension.

What is obvious to one partner may not be immediately obvious to the other partner. Keep in mind everybody does things differently and it doesn’t make it wrong. Just different.

Caring for Baby

There may be times you won’t know what’s going on with your baby as you are still getting used to each other. If baby is crying and you don’t know why, parents often become worried and frustrated, which can add to the stress.

Many sources of stress and uncertainty can affect the way couples talk to each other and deal with each other. If you are finding you have a shorter temper or perhaps finding fault with your partner due to stress it might be a good idea to talk to somebody about it before it escalates.

Planning in Advance

Some good advance planning is key to get through this time so you are a bit better prepared. Planning your finances in advance can help alleviate some of the money worries. In fact, planning is key.

If money is tight, there’s that much more reason to plan ahead for the near future. Putting away some money before baby comes will help you keep things going so you can spend your time with baby, and not worrying about the electricity bills.

Who Will Care for Baby

Once baby comes home and everything has settled into a routine, one of the partners usually heads back to work while the other stays home to care for baby. Deciding who will stay home with the baby is important, and couples often have this sorted out well before they decide to have a baby.

The stay at home parent often finds different ways to make money from home. You can give some thought to making a few extra bucks before baby comes so that you aren’t scrambling when the time comes. By figuring this out before the baby comes, you’ll be able to follow the plan and you won’t have to make too many big decisions under pressure. Plus, you’ll feel secure in knowing that your baby will want for nothing because you’ve taken the necessary steps.

Keeping the Spark Alive

Your romantic relationship doesn’t have to go in the shadows just because you have a baby. When your newborn comes, one of the things you’ll feel most is love. Ensure your partner is included and nobody feels left out. Take advantage of every spare moment and make time for each other.

Even if making time feels impossible, you can still show each other love and tenderness to ensure the longevity of your relationship.

Making each other feel wanted is important and even if it takes a while, because your focus definitely will be on the baby and adjusting to this new stage in your lives, you will get there again if you make the effort

Am I still Beautiful?

Yes, you are. The female body goes through a lot of changes during pregnancy and birth. This can be particularly challenging for mothers because their bodies are often changed during pregnancy and some women often experience issues with their image. Help each other through this by taking care of yourselves.

Eat well, sleep well (as much as possible), and attempt to find time to practice self-care. Complement yourself and each other and show each other that you still find each other attractive.

Things will Settle Down

As your baby grows, it will be easier and easier to find the rhythm of your relationship again. Plus, it will become less overwhelming after the first couple of months, so you’ll have more energy to focus on your relationship and take care of each other as much as you take care of your baby.

In fact, the arrival of your newborn baby is actually a lot more challenging and difficult for the primary carer. Their role in life changes entirely and their needs become secondary to those of the baby, so it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and to lose track of themselves. Some will find they pay less attention for themselves and make less effort to keep up with friends and have less and less time to take care of the house.

Divide and Conquer

The chores that is. That’s why it’s important to prepare for who is going to do what. Divide the chores of the house so each one knows what’s up to them. This won’t only lift weight off the primary carers shoulders, it may also retain a balance and it can significantly reduce stress. Plus, you’ll have more time here and there to actually talk to each other and catch up with one another if the chores are under control.

Keep Communicating

Ask your partner how their day was, discuss what happened whether that was at home or at work, talk about how you feel and simply be with each other in conversation. There’s no need for anyone to feel alone, not if you discuss your feelings and doubts openly so you can talk about things and find solutions to the issues that bother you.

Your relationship will go through a lot after your baby comes because as an individual, each of you will be forever changed. Both mentally and emotionally, so it’s essential to help each other sane through this and remind yourselves of what’s important. That way you can keep your relationship healthy!

If you find yourself out of your depth, please call Cooks Hill Counselling and speak to one of our counsellors. We are here to help you.

Healthy Self Talk - Changing Your Outlook

Mon, 08 Apr 2019 07:44:48 GMT

Having Healthy Conversations with Yourself may Improve your Mental Health

If you haven’t stopped to think about it yet, then you should stop right now, and take notice of the conversations you’re having with yourself on a daily basis. These conversations or what is called “self-talk”, can have a profound effect on one’s outlook on life, self-confidence and mental health.

Self-talk is such a large part of our existence, yet so many of us don’t take notice of it. You are what you tell yourself, and what you tell yourself you believe.

If all of your self-talk has a negative undertone, then your life may have a negative one too. Life is full of challenges, so having negative thoughts during challenging times is completely understandable. However, engaging in negative self-talk consistently can have a hugely adverse effect on your mental health.

If you constantly tell yourself that you aren’t good enough, then you might start believing it. How many times a day do you tell yourself that you’re not good enough? We’re constantly bombarded with external messages telling us that we aren’t. Combine the condescending messages that we get from the media, with negative self-talk can be a recipe for disaster.

What if your life could have a positive undertone even when those challenges appear, and even when the world is conveying patronising messages to you? We need to be our own champions when it comes to our self-worth. Engaging in healthy self-talk on a regular basis will ensure that we are our biggest fans, creating a positive narrative in our heads.

We’re often our harshest critics but don’t realise how negatively it’s affecting us. Would you talk to a loved one the same way you talk to yourself? The answer is most likely, “of course not”, because you show others empathy and kindness. The first person that we should be showing empathy and kindness is ourselves. Being kind to yourself is the best gift you can give yourself.

Being Mindful

Being mindful of the way we talk to ourselves is the first step to healthy self-talk. Mindfulness doesn’t mean controlling every thought that comes into our heads, it means being aware of the thoughts that appear. Acknowledging thoughts, then letting them go and not holding onto them is being mindful. Negative thoughts will pop up, but are you going to accept those thoughts as reality? Or acknowledge that they’re just a thought and then let them go?

Life is relative, but comparing your life to those that are less fortunate is a good reality check; it’s the glass half full or hall empty concept. Are you going to focus on what you don’t have or rather focus on all the things you do have? Thinking about 3 things that you’re grateful for, either first thing in the morning or last thing at night, encourages gratitude. Telling yourself how grateful you are for the positive things in your life is guaranteed to make you feel more grateful.

The next time you look in the mirror, tell yourself how amazing you are and focus on all of your strengths rather than your weaknesses. We all have things that we don’t like about ourselves, but we also have things that we love too. We are good enough and we need to start telling ourselves that more regularly.

Conversations Change Over Time

Self-talk happens constantly and is ever evolving, as we evolve as individuals. Your current conversations may be different to conversations you have with yourself down the track, but that’s ok. Whatever form those conversations take, make sure they’re positive.

We all have different narratives in our heads, and sometimes we may need that critical thought to get us to take action. But having a constant critical conversation with yourself can get you down, and can affect your mental health. The next time you’re being told you’re not good enough, by someone else or by the media, take notice and then tell yourself that you are more than good enough.

Having positive robust conversations with yourself is a sure way of building self-esteem, creating a positive narrative and improving your mental health. Show yourself kindness and compassion, and work hard to focus on your thoughts. Take self-talk seriously and don’t be afraid to be your one biggest fan.

10 Things to Say Instead of Stop Crying

Mon, 14 Jan 2019 06:31:32 GMT

Here are 10 things to say instead of stop crying

No one wants to see a loved one upset and crying, especially not a child. But unfortunately, we learn from a young age that life isn’t easy. There are many obstacles along the way, and how we respond to them will determine how well we cope. Crying is a way for people to express that they’re unhappy or sad .

Children cry for many different reasons, they may be frustrated, hurt or want attention. Whatever the reason is, the way you as a parent react to their distress will make an impact on them as a human. Approaching sadness and unhappiness with love and compassion is the best way to go.

Here are 10 things to say instead of stop crying:

1. It’s OK if you’re sad

Society as a whole has created an atmosphere where everyone has to be fantastically happy all the time, this is not reality. Life is hard and there will be bumps in the road, allowing a child to understand that being sad is ok and is perfectly normal will ensure that they aren’t’ ashamed to feel that way.

2. I know this is hard

Recognising that you may not understand what they’re going through, but you do you know that what they’re going through is hard is reassuring. You may not know how they’re feeling, but you are approaching the situation with empathy which makes them feel like their emotions are valid.

3. I am here for you if you need me

Your child may not be ready to reach out at the specific moment that they’re upset; different personalities deal with feelings in different ways. Them knowing that you’re there when they’re ready to talk gives them the incentive to talk about their feelings when they are ready. Some people prefer to think about what they’ve gone through and talk about it later, and some prefer to discuss things straight away. Acknowledging that either way is acceptable makes them feel at ease, and not pressured to talk about things right away.

4. Tell me what is making you feel sad

Firstly, you’re acknowledging your child’s feelings by identifying that you can see that they’re sad. Secondly, that it’s ok for them to talk about those feelings. Having someone to confide in is important all human beings, not just children. They will feel safe knowing that they have someone to confide in and someone to openly express their feelings to.

5. I see you and I hear you

For a child, just knowing that they are seen and heard is a comfort. We all want to be wanted and valued, and this statement says: “I acknowledge your presence and your importance, and you’re precious to me”. It will build their self-confidence and encourage them to take on the challenges that life presents.

6. I am listening to you

When a child is upset, the last thing they want to hear is advice or to be told to stop crying. When someone is upset, they just want someone to listen. So, hone your listening skills in this scenario; don’t talk, just listen. It will provide a space where they can vent and express their negative feelings that they’re experiencing; you’ll see how supported they feel in this scenario.

1. I am here to help you work this problem out

Knowing that someone is there for them, and is willing to take the time out of their day to help them solve a problem is vital to a child’s growth. Firstly, it says that the problem is not insurmountable and can be solved. And secondly, that you’re willing to provide guidance and assistance; your presence is dear to them.

2. I will stay close so you can find me if you need me

If a child knows that their parent is within reach, this will be a relief to them. They will feel supported and comforted knowing that the person they depend on the most is close by. And, knowing that it’s ok to need someone in a time of distress is a lesson that must be learnt. This will benefit them in their future development when forming other relationships.

3. That was a hard situation

Recognising that their feelings are valid and that the situation was tough makes your child feel supported. They will experience challenges along the way which may be very tough, and them knowing that it’s OK to be sad in tough situations is a comfort.

4. Tell me what happened

Using these words allows your child to express their feelings and talk about what happened. There’s nothing worse than bottling up one’s emotions, so letting them know that’s it’s OK to talk about their feelings, and that you’re there for them, will be a step in the right direction in terms of their communication.

It's how you react to a situation

Every child reacts to a situation differently and cries for different reasons, however, the way you respond to their reaction is key to nurturing how they express their feelings. Think about how you would want a friend or family member to respond to your sadness or unhappiness, and make sure that you’re being the supportive parent that your child needs.

Openness, love, compassion and empathy are the route to take when these situations arise.

The Importance of Thinking Before you Speak

Thu, 08 Nov 2018 07:22:11 GMT

Thinking is regarded as one of the three mega skills: thinking, writing and speaking

These are the fundamental social skills required for living successfully. But while intellect is an asset with a strong genetic basis, thinking well is also a skill that can be learned. And part of thinking well is ‘thinking before you speak’.

Why ‘think before you speak’? Because while most of us are pretty careless with the words we choose, words are just so powerful. They can be helpful or hurtful, and can have a direct influence on the outcome of a situation, creating a positive or negative reaction in our world. Words define our identity and reveal our attitudes and sensitivities, reflecting who we are. Our choice of words gives listeners an indication of our intelligence or ignorance. And when continually reinforced and turned into habitually negative thought patterns, they have the power to create a bad habit of dwelling on the negatives in life.

The problem is, once words exit our mouth, no amount of apologies will make them magically go back in: blurting something out and then trying to retract it is like shutting the gate after the horse has bolted. On the other hand, thinking before we speak allows us the time to consider the effect of the words we are choosing.

Developing Healthy Habits

Thinking before you speak is a really good habit to develop, to avoid causing trouble in your life, whether in your relationships, career or elsewhere. When you don’t think before you speak, you’re more likely to make badly informed statements and reduce your credibility, let alone hurt someone by ‘putting your foot in your mouth’, even if your intentions were genuinely harmless.

Other times, particularly when feeling defensive, we tend to be very reactionary and quick to answer back without proper thought. For most of us, when we’re in an argument, our ego rises up to defend its position. Becoming more self-aware of the power of the ego makes it easier to manage it. And if it’s unavoidable to say something negative, thinking before we speak helps us be more tactful and understand how to offset negativity with something positive.

Plan Your Speech

While speaking may seem to happen without a lot of thought because it occurs so quickly, psycholinguistics research has actually shown that we do plan our speech in different ways and we do think in advance to various degrees.. As such, we are not doomed to say the first thing that enters our head—we actually do have the ability to control our tongue. And it starts with really listening and comprehending during an interaction, before opening your mouth.

It’s up to us to control our own tongue and take responsibility for what emerges from our mouths. Be prepared to think before you speak, say what you mean, stand behind your statements and be responsible for them. Two great techniques for learning to think before you speak are to find your internal ‘pause’ button, and to use the THINK acronym.

Finding your internal ‘pause’ button will help you live life more presently and mindfully .

The voice in your head may be saying one thing, but your ‘pause’ button will help you decide if it is something that should be said out loud.

Recognise your triggers - pay attention to physical reactions and sensations that are building in you, such as increased body heat or the feeling of a “knot” in the stomach. Once you recognise your triggers, you can use them as a sign to active your inner ‘pause’ button.

Mentally say ‘pause’ -- imagine you are reaching for a remote control.

Take deep breaths – providing extra oxygen to your brain assists with planning your speaking.

Observe - listen to others. You may feel there is an obligation to say something all the time but there really is not! Instead, listen to your thoughts and observe them as they come and go.

Mentally press ‘play’ – this allows you to begin acting, mindfully.

It may seem that doing the above requires a lot of time and effort, and if you have trained your mind to always immediately react, it will seem like that at first. But it’s the inner ‘pause’ button is a simple reminder to yourself that you are allowed to wait and take the time to respond appropriately. Even just a few extra seconds of thinking time can make a huge difference, so simply ‘pressing pause’ allows you to make a better choice as to how to proceed.

Another great tool for helping to train yourself to think before you speak is to use the THINK acronym. THINK can help you take control, make good decisions, talk less and listen more. THINK stands for True, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary and Kind:

T – TRUE. Is what you are saying actually true, or is it ‘fake news’? Lies and misinformation hurt others and reflect the liar as someone untrustworthy.

H – HELPFUL. Are your words helpful? Assisting others to make better decisions through offering good advice is also important.

I – INSPIRING . Are others inspired by what you are saying? People are greatly inspired by words which have the influence to prompt others to do amazing things.

N – NECESSARY. Do your words really need to be said? Useless chatter is annoying, while language that actively hurts others is wholly unnecessary.

K – KIND. Is what you want to say kind? We all know the saying “if you don’t have anything nice to say, say nothing at all”. Unkind sentences obviously have the power to hurt people.

THINK Concept

The THINK concept is useful not only in day to day interactions, but for any situation where words are employed, such as in cyberspace--hurtful comments online are just as painful as if they are said in real life. Bullying at schools is a big issue in Australia today. Cyberbullying (whether by texting, emailing or on social media) can damage friendships, cause trust issues, spread rumours and exacerbate mental health problems in young people. Teaching kids the usefulness of using the THINK acronym could help prevent negative speech online. But even adult keyboard warriors are known to shoot off a missive and then repent at leisure.

And beyond social media, as adults we also experience the power of words in many other contexts. Even in ordinary conversation with friends, we often speak before really considering what we want to say and how to say it best. In other contexts, such as a job interview, the stakes can be high. So putting effort into learning how to better control your tongue will undoubtedly have positive repercussions in your life.

If you would like to discover how counselling can benefit you in your everyday life and help you learn to implement strategies and techniques for thinking before you speak, please give us a call at Cooks Hill Counselling

9 Healthy Ways to Say “No”

Mon, 10 Sep 2018 05:06:48 GMT

Helpful Ways you Can say “No” Without Sounding Negative

It’s human nature that most of us genuinely want to please others and be liked. But these fundamental underlying motivations can interfere with our ability to set boundaries with other people, often leading us say “yes” when we really should be saying “no”.

For most of us, saying “no” isn’t easy and can cause some anxiety . We don’t want to let people down or feel uncomfortable in a social interaction. It’s hard to get out of the mindset that saying “no” means you are invariably letting someone down or not meeting their expectations of you.

It’s true that sometimes it will cause someone pain or disappointment if you have to tell them “no”. But there’s also a personal cost to saying “yes” when you really don’t mean it. Committing to something you really would rather not do can lead to feelings of regret, resentment and exhaustion. It can cause you to engage in damaging negative self-talk and self-criticism, and even lead to you experiencing anxiety and depression.

Saying “no” isn’t about getting out of doing something we don’t want to do. Inevitably in life, there will be things we have to do whether we like it or not, and we can’t always say “no” to everything we don’t like. But many of us find ourselves saying “yes” to things we really have completely no obligation to do.

The art of saying “no” revolves around the issues of boundaries and how we set them. Without setting healthy boundaries we can easily become stressed and overwhelmed, and yet, it can be very challenging to set limits.

Often, setting boundaries will result in an emotional response from the other person, which may not always be positive. It takes practice to remain firm with your personal boundaries even when others are reacting angrily or with disappointment.

But in the long term, learning effective boundary setting will help your relationships, because it leads to increased self-respect and helps avoids the resentment and bitterness that can come with saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”.

Motivational speaker and burns survivor Turia Pitt tackles the question of how to say no without being negative in her latest newsletter. As she points out, saying “no” can be a positive, because it frees up your time and energy to focus on the things you need to do for yourself. By contrast, saying “yes” to things that are going to over commit you will clearly limit the time you have to spend on your own goals.

Turia provides her tips for saying no without sounding negative. These include:

Be aware of timing – don’t put the decision off, especially if you already know that you won’t be able to commit. Sometimes we try to buy time in the hope that it will somehow become easier to say “no” at some later stage, but this is rarely the case, and usually just makes the situation harder for everyone.

Be honest - we’re all guilty of using white lies to get out of a tricky situation. But it’s better to give no reason at all than make something fanciful up and risk getting caught up in that tangled web.

Own it – never apologise. It isn’t necessary.

Be constructive - if it’s at all possible, offer an alternative, whether that’s a different timeframe, or suggesting a different person, and so on.

When working with our clients to help them achieve their goals in setting healthy boundaries, we help them learn to become attuned to their own personal limits and listen to their inner “yes” or “no” voice, in order to be able to align their behaviours with this internal guiding compass.

We help people learn how they can become skilled at tolerating other people’s reactions to hearing the word “no” and we work on techniques for delivering the word “no” without sounding negative.

Cultivating the habit of authentically saying “no”, rather than participating in arrangements that make you feel down about yourself, is one key to achieving good overall emotional and psychological health. If you would like to speak with a qualified counsellor and learn strategies for setting boundaries along with other vital life skills, please contact us or give us a call here at Cooks Hill Counselling on 0421 598 486.

Relationship Counselling: Seeing Your Relationship From a Different Perspective

websitebuilder@thryv.com — Tue, 10 Jul 2018 04:28:02 GMT

Having a Newly-Found Appreciation for Your Bond

Even the strongest and most committed couples at times will struggle with their relationship and need to work through differences or adapt to changes in their relationship. But whether your relationship has deteriorated into stony silences and cycles of repetitive arguments, or you simply wish to improve your skills in dealing with relationship conflicts, relationship counselling gives you the practical tools to move forward in your life.

Relationship counselling refers to interventions that occur when a couple attends sessions with a counsellor, usually together but also in individual sessions when necessary. The complexity of the issues involved and the elevated distress levels experienced by the couple mean that relationship counselling usually takes place over multiple sessions over an extended timeframe.

With relationship counselling , a professional counsellor, psychologist or therapist helps couples resolve problems or issues in their relationship. The problems might have been there right from the beginning of a relationship, while others might have developed over time or as a response to stressors. If problems have been going on for some time, a relationship can already be in serious crisis.

Couples sometimes choose to see a counsellor to maintain their healthy relationship, or at the other end of the spectrum, when they are separating or divorcing , to make the traumatic process easier. In fact, couples of all kinds can benefit from counselling at some time in the relationship.

People who seek out relationship counselling are often suffering from high distress in their relationship. Research has actually shown that relationship counselling clients in Australia report four times the rate of very high psychological distress than the rate reported in the general Australian population. Relationship distress has a range of serious negative effects on individuals and often their children too, highlighting the critical need to alleviate relationship conflict and distress with relationship counselling.

Clients might present to a counsellor with specific issues, such as family violence, infidelity or addiction. Or they might present with more everyday concerns like communication problems, financial disagreements or arguments over child-raising. Either way, they turn to counselling to try to decrease their relationship distress and to increase the health of their relationship.

Primarily, the benefits of counselling include a noticeable improvement in your communication with your partner, a reduction in the amount of arguments you have and their intensity, and an enhanced understanding of your partner’s perspective that can really revitalise your emotional connection.

A couple is made up of two individuals, each bringing their own personality, life history, needs, wants and dreams to the relationship. As such, there will inevitably always be differences in our perspectives, no matter how united a “team” we may see ourselves in our relationship. A qualified relationship counsellor is trained to teach you how to see your partner’s perspective for improved understanding and communication.

Our inability to see things from another person’s perspective can often result in conflict and distance developing between members of a couple. In the relationship counselling room, couples can explore each other’s experiences and emotions and are guided by the counsellor to consider a situation from a number of perspectives. This provides partners an opportunity to work out a solution that works for everyone and to shift things forward in a positive way. The counsellor will help the couple look at the changing nature of the relationship, at how both parties contribute, and what each party is prepared to do to make things work.

Does Relationship Counselling Work?

It’s a growing area of research with scholars now looking into the various mechanisms of change in relationship counselling, and testing the effectiveness of the most widely-practised approaches. Researchers also wish to broaden the empirical data base to better reflect the diversity of the community. So far, most of the research has been conducted on married, middle-class, heterosexual white couples, and there may be many under-served groups, such as LGBTI couples , older couples, unmarried couples and foster and adoptive parents.

But so far, judging by the randomised control trials and meta analyses that exist today, there is confirmed support for the effectiveness of relationship counselling. It should be noted that it’s not effective for all couples—about a quarter of couples show little improvement in relationship distress or satisfaction after counselling. And the effects of counselling tend to deteriorate over time, suggesting future refresher sessions could be of benefit to couples.

The research suggests that those couples with the greatest distress at the start of counselling see the least improvement in their distress levels. This leads practitioners to encourage clients to seek intervention early on if problems arise in a relationship, before they escalate to the point where relationship counselling is unfortunately less effective.

What has been found to positively affect outcomes in relationship counselling is the interaction of a number of factors, including the therapeutic alliance (essentially the bond between therapist and client), a client’s hopes and expectancies, providing feedback during counselling, and certain client and therapist characteristics.

Despite the proven effectiveness of relationship counselling however, statistics show that many couples experiencing relationship distress don’t seek professional help. Don’t make the common mistake of leaving seeking help til it’s too late—find out how you can maintain and get the best out of your intimate relationship now by taking advantage of relationship counselling services.

If you feel you and your partner would benefit from relationship counselling, talking to a professional counsellor can be very helpful. To schedule a consultation with a qualified relationship counsellor, or for more information, please contact us on 0421 598 486.

How Counselling Helps After Divorce

websitebuilder@thryv.com — Fri, 29 Jun 2018 05:39:10 GMT

Adjusting to Big Changes after Parting Ways

After divorce, some people feel a myriad of emotions, and not all of them make sense. Some may feel like a thorn has been removed, while there are those that feel grief and anguish. At times it can be too much to bear, and this is when you need a professional counsellor to help you transition to a new chapter.

Here’s how counselling helps after divorce.

Relationship Problems that can Result in Divorce

There are plenty of reasons why people get divorced in the first place. From affairs, abuse, to issues with communication, there are different slippery slopes a couple can fall into. Some can survive and become stronger. There are those, however, that exhibit the “four horsemen” of divorce introduced by psychologist John Gottman, which could herald an impending divorce.

The telltale signs of trouble can manifest themselves in many ways, however we find the following list can contribute to marital problems.

Criticism

Constructive criticism can be a normal part of communication, but it can happen too often and can quickly escalate into something unhealthy. Criticism is often present in unhealthy relationships and can do a lot of damage.

Lack of Respect

Developing respect for your partner is important to maintain a healthy relationship . Mutual respect and understanding can be a catalyst for success.

Defensiveness

Defensiveness can be a roadblock to problem solving and "going on the defensive" can worsen problems and halt conversations. Defensiveness is always feeling like you have to come to your own defence and sometimes it can be displayed in situations that don’t warrant it.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling is when you or your partner shuts down communication. This can be toxic in a relationship and can cause many problems. When you are unable to get a response, it can be frustrating and this is called stonewalling. You will know if you are being stonewalled, as it is usually characterised by the complete absence of communication between each parties.

Effects of Divorce

Divorce can be a relief for some, but for others it can be difficult and depressing. Divorce doesn't just affect the couple, in fact it can also affect those around them. It can bring about drastic changes which can sometimes be uncomfortable, such as:

Financial Adjustments

If in the past the couple may have shared the expenses. Divorce can separate finances and some may find it difficult to budget for themselves. As such, it can cause stress on both individuals and those they support, especially if they were used to a certain level of financial comfort.

Lifestyle Changes

Married life can offer some sort of assurance that someone looks out for you. Sudden change brought about by divorce could thrust you back into the single life and dating scene. This can cause you to feel lonely or uncared for. It can cause a lot of emotions, which is why self-care is essential at this point.

Different Relationships

As a couple, you have a set of friends that may feel like they have to pick sides. This may cause alienation from your usual support systems. Or it may cause a situation that is so awkward that even they don’t know what to do. What’s worse is that children may be involved, and there’s the issue of where they live. It can make you anxious and cause grief and insecurity along the way.

How Counselling Can Help

If the situation surrounding your divorce get too heavy for you and the people around you to bear, counselling becomes a beacon of hope. There are various ways divorce counselling can help .

Some of the ways it can aid you include:

helping you get through the early stages of separation,
educate you on healthy coping mechanisms,
create a venue for everyone to receive counselling,
assist concerned individuals into understanding what went wrong and what can be done to prevent the same mistakes in the future.

It can be a long journey to feeling whole again, but Cooks Hill Counselling is here to assist you. Contact us today and be on your way to a better future.

How to Get Over a Breakup

websitebuilder@thryv.com — Sun, 06 May 2018 02:10:23 GMT

Practical Advice for Getting over a Painful Break-up

What’s the most painful thing you’ve ever experienced in your life? Answers would greatly vary on this question. Some would say a major surgery that takes weeks to recover from. Workaholic people would mention it’s not getting the promotion they worked hard for. But for those who are in a relationship, breaking up is probably the most difficult thing to overcome, especially when you’ve been together for a long time.

So how do you do it? How do you move on without that person? How do you accept the loss and realise that the plans you’ve made are not to happen anymore? It may seem daunting to embark on a path you didn't seem yourself taking, but the truth is, the world keeps spinning and you will need to get back into it as soon as you can. There are ways you can help yourself with the transition:

Focus Attention on Yourself

You’ve heard about it many times, but it’s true - start by thinking about you . In the past it has been about the two of you, but now’s the perfect time to focus on what’s in store for you as a person. Now is the time to be selfish and take a look at yourself and think about what you might want or need. Some practical ways you can focus back on yourself are:

Keep your distance from the person so you can have a chance to recover without confusion.

Declutter and start a new beginning. Have a massive clean-out and make new plans.

Reconnect with friends you may have forgotten along the way. Call and organise dinners and make sure you actually attend.

Take some much-needed me time, away from the anxieties of your situation. It might be a weekend away with friends, or a yoga retreat or even an afternoon on the beach relaxing. Just make sure it’s something that pleases you, and you only.

Try to avoid entering a rebound relationship; focus on yourself first. Rebounds are notorious for not working out and they can be damaging to both persons involved.

Be kind to yourself. You are going through a rough patch, so don’t be hard on yourself. Say nice things to yourself and treat yourself to some pampering or a few days on the sofa binge watching Netflix.

Look Back on the Relationship Realistically

Be realistic about what it was really like. According to psychologist Guy Winch, author of the book, “How to Fix a Broken Heart,” a break up can have similarities to Opioid withdrawal. People tend to remember relationships fondly and tend to paint a happy picture of their past relationship. Even if it wasn’t always the case - some people realise that it wasn’t all joy and laughter, so its important to evaluate objectively .

Tips to overcoming this selective memory is Instead of thinking about just the happy memory, try to balance it out by recalling times when you’ve made compromises. Consider the adjustments you had to make, such as probably changing a part of yourself, adjusting your lifestyle to take into account your partners beliefs and personal opinions, and the changes you had made in your lifestyle to make room for the relationship. Be realistic in evaluating your failed relationship so that you’ll know what to do, or what not to do next time around.

Another way to do this method is to create a pros and cons list. What were the good things about your ex and the relationship, and what were the not-so-good ones? This will help you look at the picture objectively, and make decisions like a rational person.

Seek Professional Help

The best way to get over a breakup is to get support, and I mean professional help from a counsellor. Breaking up with someone can bring about similar emotions to those associated with grief and loss. This is a good reason to seek out someone who can listen to your concerns minus the judgement. Sometimes talking to friends doesn't let you move on and can focus on the past and what your ex partner may have or have not have done to you.

It’s important to have an expert who can assist you to come up with strategies to cope with the loss and a plan to move on with your life. This is where a counsellor becomes a good idea.

Getting over a breakup is one of those difficult things most of us have to deal with, that’s why our accommodating counsellors at Cooks Hill Counselling are here to lend an ear.