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IVF Counselling

The Emotional IVF Journey – A Real Life Story

Names changed for privacy - IVF Support Counsellors David and Monica - Cooks Hill Counselling

The expression you will most often hear people use in relation to their IVF journey is that it’s an “emotional roller-coaster”, full of hopeful highs and plunging lows. To unpack these very mixed emotions in a little more detail, we spoke to Maggie, 45, a nurse from Sydney, who spent five years undergoing IVF before she was able to hold her baby Finn in her arms for the first time. 
The duality of emotions can be hard to reconcile. At a time when you feel you ‘should’ be excited and positive, you will also likely feel anxious and emotional. Maggie says, “You feel a lot of despair at times, not knowing if you’ll ever lead a ‘normal’ life or the life you’d dreamed about. You’re always wondering, will I ever actually be a mother?” And yet mixed in with this fear, is the ever-present hope that keeps you motivated to continue.

IVF can be challenging - Counselling can help - Cooks Hill Counselling

Medical Procedure Anxiety

At a practical level, many women initially have to overcome a fear of needles and having to self-administer shots. Maggie, being a nurse, was lucky that she didn’t experience that, but for many women it’s a genuinely difficult part of the process. For some women, there are also anxieties around potential side effects of medications and procedures, even though it’s an extremely safe procedure.

Women and Men Differ in their Journey

Men and women will usually experience quite different emotions during the process. Men will want to be supportive and feel included but can often feel helpless, while for women it’s common to experience feelings of shame or guilt for “failing” to have conceived naturally. The process can put a lot of strain on a relationship, particularly if boundaries are not set on when you will talk about IVF and when you will not.

IVF can seem like a full-time job, meaning it can be hard to find the time for all the other aspects of your life. In Maggie’s case, she says she was “obsessed” with the idea of falling pregnant for the five long years she underwent IVF. “It was all I could think about, really.” She was lucky to have an extremely supportive partner, but there’s no denying the process impacted on their relationship at times.

Once viable embryos are transferred, there is an anxious two week wait until you can take a pregnancy test. That waiting period can feel interminable. And then of course, to discover the embryos did not take and you are not pregnant can be extraordinarily painful. It can be very hard to recover from the crushing disappointment, pick yourself up and have another go. 
“You learn not to get your hopes up because the comedown if it isn’t successful is just so distressing that you want to try to protect yourself from that feeling as much as you can,” says Maggie. “The overwhelming sadness is very hard to cope with.”

Medical procedures involved with IVF can cause anxiety - Cooks Hill Counselling

The Stress Can Be Difficult to Cope With

There can even be unwanted feelings of envy and negativity towards other mothers that need to be processed to avoid becoming bitter. “I had to really force myself not to judge other mothers I’d see walking down the street. You know, you’d see women yelling at their kids and you’d just feel so depressed, wondering why people who didn’t seem to really want kids were able to apparently easily have them, while you, who so desperately wanted a child, could not”.

On top of the emotional stress, many couples also experience financial stress due to the costs involved. They are then faced with the internal conflict of not wanting to “put a price” on the baby’s life, but also having to be realistic about finances.

When Maggie did fall pregnant, she still felt she couldn’t allow herself to be truly happy:

“When I found out I was pregnant I did four pregnancy tests, because I just could not believe it. But I never bought any baby clothes or nursery items until my baby was born. I just refused to buy anything until I had a breathing baby. I didn’t want to get my hopes up or jinx anything. So you kind of quash all that excitement and don’t feel you can participate in the preparation phase because you simply aren’t 100% convinced you will end up with a real live baby.”

You feel a lot of despair at times, not knowing if you'll ever lead a normal life

Struggling with Emotions during IVF Treatment

New ParagraphSome women also struggle with feeling they need to keep the whole process a secret so they don’t have to explain things to people all the time. “I didn’t want to talk too much about the process with friends and acquaintances, because then they’d start asking lots of questions, and I didn’t want to have to endlessly answer them,” says Maggie. It’s human nature to be nosy, but it can feel invasive to have to answer questions about your IVF journey. And yet, it’s not a journey you have to take alone, and joining an IVF support group for non-judgmental understanding and encouragement from others who are going through the same thing is strongly advised.

Some studies suggest that stress is linked to difficulties in conceiving. Managing your stress levels is therefore another important proactive step you can take. Pre-IVF counselling can be very helpful in helping you to manage stress, as well as learning how to overcome the feelings of loss and disappointment if previous rounds of IVF have not been successful. Stress can be reduced through things like mindfulness practices, physical exercise and acupuncture, and taking steps to alleviate your stress will also give you a sense of control, during a process that can feel entirely outside your control or as Maggie puts it, “as if it’s all the hands of the Gods”. 

If you are considering or have decided to embark on your IVF journey, it’s recommended you find a mental health professional specialising in fertility issues such as our clinic here at Cooks Hill Counselling. Please give us a call on 0421 598 486 to speak with one of our compassionate staff and ensure your IVF journey is as well supported as it possibly can be.

1 in 6 couples will have difficulty achieving a pregnancy - IVF counselling Cooks Hill
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