Intimacy & Relationships after a Baby

Not enough hours in the day, limping along financially and little to no sex. It sounds like a recipe for disaster, but in reality, it’s what happens to most couples when you have your first child. Of course, many wonderful things also happen during this time, but it’s no secret the relationship between you and your partner will suffer.

Becoming a parent takes an emotional toll on everybody and it completely changes every aspect of your life. Bringing a person to the world and taking care of them is a huge challenge and responsibility, which is ongoing whether you are ready or not.

To add to that, there’s no user manual you can read to figure out how to take care of baby, and this really hits home especially if it’s your first child. Nothing prepares you for caring for a newborn and bringing up a child. Most of it you pick things up on the job, so there’s a learning curve, and it’s not for the faint of heart.

Some couples will have certain expectations about what having a newborn is like. Perhaps it might be based on some reality shows where people seem to effortlessly integrate a newborn into their stylish lives.

The reality for most of us is a far cry from anything remotely glamorous. If you are expecting to be straight back into your life before baby, you might get a shock. But don’t lose heart because there are things we can prepare for simply by slightly adjusting our expectations.

Some people can experience some stress due to finances during this time. Something we need to realise as new parents is that the bills will keep coming in, and if you have had a significant drop in income, they can add up fast.

For example, if you’re a two-income family, you need to know that having a baby will have an impact because it means someone will have to sacrifice work. Or at least what used to be full-time, may in fact become a part-time position. It’s necessary to prepare and to adjust your lifestyle if that’s the case, at least until you can go back to your routine.

The second thing that can affect your relationship when you have a baby is that there’s an important loss of intimacy. This can happen gradually as your pregnancy goes along because being intimate can be uncomfortable, painful or you simply don’t feel up to it. There may also be medical reasons why intimacy is not possible.

Abstinence can extend further once the baby comes and the woman’s body needs to heal from the trauma of birth.

Adjusting to your new circumstances may take a toll on your relationship. This can be affected by how quickly you adjust and respond to your newborn baby. Men and women travel this path in different ways and it’s important to understand that we all have different processes and ways of coping.

In some cases, if there’s a lack of understanding, it can lead to conflict. Maintaining a marriage after such a big change takes conscious effort and a bit of time, which is something you won’t have a lot of with a newborn.

When a little baby comes along things tend to escalate. Chores will often double, and there will often be new types of chores associated with the baby. Figuring out the best way to complete these chores can often cause tension.

What is obvious to one partner may not be immediately obvious to the other partner. Keep in mind everybody does things differently and it doesn’t make it wrong. Just different.

There may be times you won’t know what’s going on with your baby as you are still getting used to each other. If baby is crying and you don’t know why, parents often become worried and frustrated, which can add to the stress.

Many sources of stress and uncertainty can affect the way couples talk to each other and deal with each other. If you are finding you have a shorter temper or perhaps finding fault with your partner due to stress it might be a good idea to talk to somebody about it before it escalates.

Some good advance planning is key to get through this time so you are a bit better prepared. Planning your finances in advance can help alleviate some of the money worries. In fact, planning is key.

If money is tight, there’s that much more reason to plan ahead for the near future. Putting away some money before baby comes will help you keep things going so you can spend your time with baby, and not worrying about the electricity bills.

Once baby comes home and everything has settled into a routine, one of the partners usually heads back to work while the other stays home to care for baby. Deciding who will stay home with the baby is important, and couples often have this sorted out well before they decide to have a baby.

The stay at home parent often finds different ways to make money from home. You can give some thought to making a few extra bucks before baby comes so that you aren’t scrambling when the time comes. By figuring this out before the baby comes, you’ll be able to follow the plan and you won’t have to make too many big decisions under pressure. Plus, you’ll feel secure in knowing that your baby will want for nothing because you’ve taken the necessary steps.

Your romantic relationship doesn’t have to go in the shadows just because you have a baby. When your newborn comes, one of the things you’ll feel most is love. Ensure your partner is included and nobody feels left out. Take advantage of every spare moment and make time for each other.

Even if making time feels impossible, you can still show each other love and tenderness to ensure the longevity of your relationship.

Making each other feel wanted is important and even if it takes a while, because your focus definitely will be on the baby and adjusting to this new stage in your lives, you will get there again if you make the effort

Yes, you are. The female body goes through a lot of changes during pregnancy and birth. This can be particularly challenging for mothers because their bodies are often changed during pregnancy and some women often experience issues with their image. Help each other through this by taking care of yourselves.

Eat well, sleep well (as much as possible), and attempt to find time to practice self-care. Complement yourself and each other and show each other that you still find each other attractive.

As your baby grows, it will be easier and easier to find the rhythm of your relationship again. Plus, it will become less overwhelming after the first couple of months, so you’ll have more energy to focus on your relationship and take care of each other as much as you take care of your baby.

In fact, the arrival of your newborn baby is actually a lot more challenging and difficult for the primary carer. Their role in life changes entirely and their needs become secondary to those of the baby, so it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and to lose track of themselves. Some will find they pay less attention for themselves and make less effort to keep up with friends and have less and less time to take care of the house.

The chores that is. That’s why it’s important to prepare for who is going to do what. Divide the chores of the house so each one knows what’s up to them. This won’t only lift weight off the primary carers shoulders, it may also retain a balance and it can significantly reduce stress. Plus, you’ll have more time here and there to actually talk to each other and catch up with one another if the chores are under control.

Ask your partner how their day was, discuss what happened whether that was at home or at work, talk about how you feel and simply be with each other in conversation. There’s no need for anyone to feel alone, not if you discuss your feelings and doubts openly so you can talk about things and find solutions to the issues that bother you.

Your relationship will go through a lot after your baby comes because as an individual, each of you will be forever changed. Both mentally and emotionally, so it’s essential to help each other sane through this and remind yourselves of what’s important. That way you can keep your relationship healthy!

If you find yourself out of your depth, please call Cooks Hill Counselling and speak to one of our counsellors. We are here to help you.