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Couple Arguments: How to Keep It Healthy and Loving

cookshill • Dec 13, 2019

Couples argue, that’s a fact of life. It’s what happens when two individuals with different ways of thinking and of doing things come together and join their lives.

Couple Arguments: How to Keep It Healthy and Loving

Things aren't always going to run smoothly and all couples have arguments from time to time, but what’s important is that you know how to argue in a healthy and loving manner .

This is what will determine whether or not a relationship will last. Why? Because if you go into an argument with a desire to hurt or attack the other person’s character, you’re doing it wrong and eventually you might not be able to recover from that.


Not Every Disagreement Needs to Become a Fight

Arguments should be about expressing your feelings, finding common ground and solving an issue. Sometimes there are things you’ll need to discuss and things may become heated, but more often than not, a healthy discussion is more than enough.

For healthy discussion to happen, you need to learn that not every disagreement needs to become a fight. Ask yourself if you can let it go or talk about it calmly before it turns into something bigger. Choose your fights; you may be able to resolve the situation without resorting to a fight.

If you are Unhappy, Speak Up.

If you’re unhappy about something, it’s important that you speak up. It doesn’t matter how difficult the conversation may be, you need to do it. Otherwise, you’ll bottle up your emotions and they will come out in unhealthy ways, such as bickering, unidentified anger, etc., and it can often lead to a fight.

When you’re in the middle of a fight, its very unpleasant and most couples want to come to an understanding so the fight can end. People often find that once they are in the thick of an argument, there’s often no easy way to end it, so many people simply work their way through it. Fights are almost always based on core issues which can manifest themselves as small things, and they are often the very things that both of you have been avoiding. In that sense, they can be productive because it means you’re finally discussing something important. However, some arguments might have been avoided if couplesspeak up about your thoughts and emotions before it becomes a full on fight.

Unaddressed topics can easily become bigger issues in the future. Ongoing, open communication is the key to avoiding unhealthy, unproductive fights where you say things you don’t mean and may come to regret. If you’re too caught up in the heat of the moment and you realise things are getting out of hand, the best thing you can do is stop speaking and take a break. Admit that you’re making things worse, pause, and work from there.

Put Yourself in their Shoes

Putting yourself in each other’s shoes is a great method for remembering that you’re in the same team. It’s important to keep in mind that you’re not the only one going through something or having feelings and thoughts about something. You’re with someone who’s coming from a different perspective and a different set of experiences. Putting yourself in their shoes for a moment can be of great help.

However, it’s also important to understand that your partner is the only person who can truly explain where they’re coming from. This is where it’s important to listen and to pay attention to what they are saying to you. Keep your mind open to what they’re bringing to the argument and truly listen to them. Don’t automatically assume you’re coming from the same place, because that’s just not how it works. Be able to explain where you’re coming from, but also give your partner the opportunity to do the same.

Shift the Dynamic of the Argument

There are many ways you can shift the dynamic when you notice an argument is going off the rails. One of the most effective ones is asking this simple question: “What is it you need from me?” This one question will change the vicious cycle many couples get stuck on during an argument.

That vicious cycle is when you get stuck trying to explain your point of view to your partnerbut it just doesn’t come across, so you try a different way and it appears as if you keep changing your argument. When you can’t find mutual understanding, asking this simple question will give you both time to stop, interrupt the pattern you were on, and shift the dynamic by expressing what you want from each other in a clear and concise way. When you can express each other’s desires and hopes, you can find common ground a lot more easier. Compromise where you can, and where you can’t, find a way to make it work. But you can’t do that, if you let the argument go on aimlessly.

Don’t Forget, You Love Each Other

When you’re stuck in an argument, all you see is your frustration, anger, and the issues in front of you. In this sense, it’s easy to allow the love you have for each other to go on the back-burner while you go through the process of arguing. Keep your love for each other top of mind.

Remember that next time you’re in an argument that has taken a wrong turn, it's important to remember who you are, what you have and pay attention to what comes out of your mouth.

If you learn to argue from a place of love and mutual understanding, they don’t have to be a source of stress or frustration.

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