How to Get Over a Breakup

What’s the most painful thing you’ve ever experienced in your life? Answers would greatly vary on this question. Some would say a major surgery that takes weeks to recover from. Workaholic people would mention it’s not getting the promotion they worked hard for. But for those who are in a relationship, breaking up is probably the most difficult thing to overcome, especially when you’ve been together for a long time.

So how do you do it? How do you move on without that person? How do you accept the loss and realise that the plans you’ve made are not to happen anymore? It may seem daunting to embark on a path you didn't seem yourself taking, but the truth is, the world keeps spinning and you will need to get back into it as soon as you can. There are ways you can help yourself with the transition:

You’ve heard about it many times, but it’s true - start by thinking about you. In the past it has been about the two of you, but now’s the perfect time to focus on what’s in store for you as a person. Now is the time to be selfish and take a look at yourself and think about what you might want or need. Some practical ways you can focus back on yourself are:

• Keep your distance from the person so you can have a chance to recover without confusion.

• Declutter and start a new beginning. Have a massive clean-out and make new plans.

• Reconnect with friends you may have forgotten along the way. Call and organise dinners and make sure you actually attend.

• Take some much-needed me time, away from the anxieties of your situation. It might be a weekend away with friends, or a yoga retreat or even an afternoon on the beach relaxing. Just make sure it’s something that pleases you, and you only.

• Try to avoid entering a rebound relationship; focus on yourself first. Rebounds are notorious for not working out and they can be damaging to both persons involved.

• Be kind to yourself. You are going through a rough patch, so don’t be hard on yourself. Say nice things to yourself and treat yourself to some pampering or a few days on the sofa binge watching Netflix.

Be realistic about what it was really like. According to psychologist Guy Winch, author of the book, “How to Fix a Broken Heart,” a break up can have similarities to Opioid withdrawal. People tend to remember relationships fondly and tend to paint a happy picture of their past relationship. Even if it wasn’t always the case - some people realise that it wasn’t all joy and laughter, so its important to evaluate objectively.

Tips to overcoming this selective memory is Instead of thinking about just the happy memory, try to balance it out by recalling times when you’ve made compromises. Consider the adjustments you had to make, such as probably changing a part of yourself, adjusting your lifestyle to take into account your partners beliefs and personal opinions, and the changes you had made in your lifestyle to make room for the relationship. Be realistic in evaluating your failed relationship so that you’ll know what to do, or what not to do next time around.

Another way to do this method is to create a pros and cons list. What were the good things about your ex and the relationship, and what were the not-so-good ones? This will help you look at the picture objectively, and make decisions like a rational person.

The best way to get over a breakup is to get support, and I mean professional help from a counsellor. Breaking up with someone can bring about similar emotions to those associated with grief and loss. This is a good reason to seek out someone who can listen to your concerns minus the judgement. Sometimes talking to friends doesn't let you move on and can focus on the past and what your ex partner may have or have not have done to you.

It’s important to have an expert who can assist you to come up with strategies to cope with the loss and a plan to move on with your life. This is where a counsellor becomes a good idea.

Getting over a breakup is one of those difficult things most of us have to deal with, that’s why our accommodating counsellors at Cooks Hill Counselling are here to lend an ear.